I'm Not Dead -- Not Yet

No, I've sort of lost the urge to blog. I've been busy with work, with my new house, with my children, with my new man.

The house has proved to need a bit more work doing than it appeared at first. And getting someone to do the work is difficult too. And I still have many things to buy for it. I still have lots of boxes to unpack and I just don't feel like doing it. Part of the reason is the boxes are in my bedroom, which is glacial thanks to a malfunctioning radiator.

The children and I are getting along a lot better. Our trip to Florida at Christmas helped a lot. They know I love them. I know they love me. We are coping.

My new man! He is someone I met at work in December. I was still in contact with the old boyfriend from 28 years ago, but we'd had quite a few ups and downs and I was starting to think I should look elsewhere. I had thought about men at work but the ones I was interested in were taken. And I was a bit reluctant to appear like I was desperate. Then this man walked into my life. He flirted with me outrageously for an hour or so one afternoon. I texted a friend that night asking about him. I wasn't sure if this flirting was indeed flirting or something he did with all women. A bit of both it turned out. While I was in America at Christmas he texted me to ask if I'd like to go out when we got back. And when I got back the texting onslaught started. He is younger than me. By about 12 years. He says it's not an issue, and it certainly doesn't feel that way when we're together. I've never had a relationship like this. I keep casting my mind back to various relationships and their beginnings. Of course, there's that giddy can't-get-enough feeling. But this is something different. I've never had such an adventurous and open sexual relationship for one thing. Also, in the past I was much concerned with what a man did for a living and what sort of cache he had. My new man has no such cache. He is by his own admission bad with money. He lives in a filthy flat, has no car, works at a low-paying job (but so do I). What he has is a fantastic sense of humour and a way of making me feel like I am the most gorgeous, desirable woman on earth. And I feel the same way about him. Is he Mr. Right? I have no idea. But he is Mr. Right Now. Every time I see him, I want to see him more. Our obligations to our mutual children (he has a 9-year-old son to whom he is devoted) have acted to slow things down a bit. Just as well. I fall head over heels too often and too quickly. At 51, I feel mortal, like I don't have much time left before I'm a toothless hag. But I also feel it's time I enjoyed myself. I panic. I get paranoid. But I get over it. And then I see my man and everything's great. Old Boyfriend wasn't happy when I told him I was moving on (after he forgot my birthday when I did all but sign the birthday card for him). But that was never a realistic relationship. This one is.

The ex continues to prove why he's an ex every chance he gets. Now I tell the children when he pulls one of his shenanigans. Like text me to fuck off. Like email me to threaten me about one of the children. As each day passes, I thank God I am away from him and that I have the life I have.

I'm happy and that is a very strange feeling for me. But I'm getting used to it.

And Now For a Little Foolishness

Wish I'd read your comments earlier before I plunged straight into another relationship. Well, almost but not quite a relationship. And with someone I've written about here before: my Photographer Boyfriend from 28 years ago.

You see, I received an email from a mutual friend on Sept. 2 saying PB would love to hear from me. We have been asking about each other for years -- 28 years to be exact. So I emailed him. And he emailed back. And I emailed back, etc. And we skyped, sometimes for hours at a time. Oh, I had the most marvelous 26 days. We giddily, foolishly told each other how much we loved each other then and still do. And we opened up to each other in ways we never did all those years ago.

Oh yes, I fell into that marvellous abyss called love. And so did he. And then my old insecurities about him resurfaced when he wouldn't commit to us meeting up at the end of October. He has legitimate reasons. But I thought somehow they would magically disappear. And I was uncomfortable with how he was or wasn't letting his daughter know about me. Never mind that I haven't told my children about him. So I sent him an email spelling out all my insecurities, which triggered all of his. And then I panicked that he wanted out of my life just as he was coming back into it.

To cut a long story short, we have decided to step back a bit. Well, he decided and I have no choice but to go along with it. Otherwise, I risk being branded a bunny boiler. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that he is right about so many things. And so are those of you who left comments on my previous post. Why plunge straightaway into another relationship? The relationships I should be working on are with my children. They just aren't interested in a relationship with me right now.

PB worries that I am using him as an escape from my dreary reality. And I must admit that might be true to some extent. But my reality is about to change for the better, I hope. I am about to complete the purchase of a new home and should be moving within a week and a half, with any luck. I have been living in a bedroom for the past year and I am sick of it. My divorce is final. Nearly all the money has been split. It is time to move on.

Will PB be a part of my future? I am praying that he is. It amazes me how much I remember of our 18-month, on-and-off relationship. And how much he remembers as well. We have gone over the ugly bits -- him cheating on me, my reaction, which was to bring 3 men back to his apartment to sleep with me in his bed, our final break-up, and our last meeting in 1988. He thought I was indifferent to him, that I had no feelings for him. No, I had too many feelings. I considered reconnecting with him in 1990-91, when I was single again. But he wasn't single yet. I considered emailing him 10 years ago when I first googled him. But I didn't. I wrote about him here two years ago. And then I did email him. He never replied and I assumed he was not interested in hearing from an old girlfriend. He says he never received the email and I believe him.

So for 26 days it was very hot and heavy. So wonderfully absorbing. But we were neglecting the practical sides of our lives. He has a book project to complete by the end of the year. He has taxes to file. He has other assignments. I have to move and all that entails. I have to allow myself to adjust to my new status, and to work out how my relationship with my children will change. And where they will live and when.

So we will stay in touch, but not as ardently or frequently. It doesn't mean it's over. Just that we have to put other things first right now before we tackle the very real problems of geography and children and money to see if this will work. I hope it does. I am so thankful to have him back in my life. He has changed, of course. Physically but also emotionally. He has grown up, and so have I. But I also have to remain realistic. For now.

I'm Almost Out of Breath

Ah, so much has been going on in Wakeup's world, it's hard to keep up.

First of all, I made an offer on a house that has been accepted. Now I go into buying-house-fast mode. Secondly, although I love my new job as a support worker for autistic adults to bits, it doesn't pay well and there's no security. I could go for a permanent position that pays better but that means shifts, nights, and weekends. I'm not ready for that at this point in time. I have a job interview on Wednesday for a fund raising position.

And I've been thinking about the next relationship I want to be in. Because I'm not sure how soon I want to be in a relationship. I realise one reason I love my job so much is that I am treated well by my co-workers and the clients. I don't get that at home at all. I am the mother who ruined my children's lives. I am the woman who spurned such a loyal and faithful husband. I am shit at home. But not at work. At work I am the person who gets a client who supposedly doesn't like to be touched to put his arms around her and to play games with her. At work I have men (fellow workers) telling me I have a stunning figure and look nothing like my age. At home I have a daughter who uses guilt and extortion to get me to buy things I can ill afford for her. A daughter who is resentful if I buy myself something at all. A daughter who thinks I don't even deserve a new bed after 15 years of sleeping on old ones (actually longer). A son who curses me out behind my back because I made him come home to eat the meal I prepared. At home I have a soon-to-be ex-husband who to my face seems ever so reasonable but sticks the knife in the moment my back is turned.

So the next relationship I'm in will have to be something really fantastic. Something that puts a spring in my step. With someone who respects me. Who doesn't treat me like an idiot or a harlot.

But in the meantime I am waiting to move. And then I will exhale. And exhale. And exhale. For I've been holding my breath for a very long time.

I Need To Wake Up and Make Up My Mind

I've been invited to apply for a permanent post where I work. Should I do it? It involves shifts and sleepovers. It means a 75p/hour pay rise, though with some perks. It also means I'd work with some individuals I quite like in a house I quite like. But I would lose my independence. As it is, I can determine my hours, though not where I work. So I could have a boring 9-4:30 job or a very interesting, fulfilling one with hours all over the place.

I feel paralyzed by indecision. I've been frantically househunting because I want to get out of here pronto. And I've found three properties I really like. But I keep finding fault with each of them. I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. I took a friend with me on Sunday to look at six houses but soon regretted it. I know she was trying to be my advocate, but I felt like she took over. So I'm going solo or with the kids.

And I wonder if I should report FEX for supplying underage teens with alcohol. He bought an alcopop for Daughter's friends tonight. I am strongly opposed to this teen-age drinking though I'm a total hypocrite. Just because I did it doesn't make it right. And Daughter lied to me about it and tried to make out that it was her dad lying. My relationship with her is very rocky.

So, back to these houses. One is actually a two-floor three-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment with views of the beach and the golf course. I love it, but the outside needs some attention. The two others I like are Edwardian semis: spacious rooms. One has been decorated very nicely. And it's a bit beyond my price range. I am torn between going for the cheaper option (the apartment) and paying to have the exterior refurbed or buying something I don't need to do anything to. The apartment comes with a garage. The two semis don't. The apartment doesn't have a garden (yard) though it has the potential for one. The two semis have small, manageable gardens (yards). My kids want a house with a party room. The apartment has just enough space but nothing spare. The semis have a bit of leeway. My kids will be out the door in four years' time and I don't know how much time they will spend with me before then. I have to think about taxes (lower for the apartment), upkeep, utility bills, resellability, and how I would feel being there all by myself. I keep asking for advice but don't know if that's the right thing to do either. Everyone has an opinion and sometimes it's colored by what they want, not what I need.

The kids have found lots of excuses for not coming with me to look at these houses. I know I should be more understanding of them. This must be so hard for them. But it is so hurtful to me. FEX says he doesn't know if he's going to keep the house on the market or not. He keeps going in the back garden and taking out some shrub. I now think he is trying to show me and the garden who's boss. I imagine this is how it will be for the rest of his or my life: him trying to prove to me what a bad decision I made to leave him. I still feel no regrets though I am very sad about my relationship with my kids.

I must focus on other things: job and house. Make a decision, wakeup!

The End Is Nigh

We had our day in court. And we reached a settlement. I was not leaving till we had an agreement. On gray, rainy day in a non-descript 60s courthouse, we came to the agreement that I get 55% of the assets and 40% of his pension. It's not an overly generous settlement. I could have fought for more money. And I would still be here next year. FEX is buying me out. He has a mortgage in place and is ready to transfer the money any day now. I came down £30,000 and 5% of the pension share. But it's only money and it's worth my freedom.

That night FEX and I sat and watched TV in the same room and had a reasonably civil conversation. FEX said if I wanted he would look after my money. Then today I did some weeding in the garden that soon will no longer be mine. FEX came out and demolished a poor, innocent forsythia. At first I thought he was showing me and the garden who's the boss. Then as I saw him hacking away I realised he was working out his anger, despair, or whatever emotion he might be feeling. Tonight, the phone rang and I answered it. Someone sounding suspiciously like Lurch said, "FEX please." It was one of FEX's two friends, the one who's been through a bitter divorce, the one whose ex-wife had him thrown in jail, the one who's been advising FEX to be so aggressive. I could hear FEX re-enacting our day in court, only making himself and his lawyer out to be the heroes. And of course that's not what happened at all. What happened was two barristers doing a lot of math and going back and forth with offers and counter offers. We were there from 9 a.m. till 2:30. It was a long, exhausting day.

I had hoped the settlement would put an end to this bitching about me on the phone. But obviously it hasn't. So, FEX, no you may not manage my money. I don't want your filthy hands on it.

I went to a party last night and spoke to a friend I hadn't seen for a while. He and his wife, both lovely people, are separated (again) and divorcing. I can't take sides because I can see both sides so clearly. And I know firsthand the hurt they each are feeling. I advised my friend to try not to demonise his wife, that it will accomplish nothing. I suggested he find a counsellor to talk to about any negative feelings he might have. This couple separated last year when the wife moved in with another man. The guilt was too much, and she came back to try to make a go of it. But she couldn't do it. And I know how she feels. She is the sort of person who is always taking care of other people's needs. Her husband had a near-fatal brain tumour many years ago. It left him unable to work so she had to go back to work. And still manage the home because it also meant her husband has no short-term memory. I can understand her position. And I can understand his too. But so far neither one has gone around trashing the other. No nasty emails. No trying to get friends on their side. Unlike FEX.

People can be civilised and go through divorce. I've tried. I'm still trying.

So what about the kids? I think they're in a bit of shock. I think they didn't believe this would actually happen, that their father is basically kicking me out. Not that I'm fighting it. Not that I want to stay. I can't believe FEX wants to stay here. It will be so empty when I've gone. I wonder if he's thought about that.

Oh well. That's his problem. I have so many things to think about and do. I'd better get busy and start doing them.

So Close and Yet...

Well, my new job is getting under way. I'm just shadowing at the moment, but I am seeing close up how varied the autism spectrum is. I have seen people at either ends of the spectrum. from extremely unable to very able yet still in need of support. It fascinates me. I have so much respect for the people who do this work. On the face of it it doesn't seem demanding, but it can be extremely challenging. And you never know how your day is going to go. I'm very tired. It's not demanding -- at least not now, but there is so much to take in.

And FEX has made a financial settlement offer. On the face of it it looks ok. But I worry because he has made me close out two accounts in my name and he says he's deposited the money in our joint savings account (making sure he can get his hands on it). But I can't see where the money from one account has gone. I am so close. Next Friday is the court hearing date for the financial dispute resolution. I've told my solicitor that come hell or high water I'm walking out of there with a settlement. She said she sincerely hopes I do. And perhaps FEX will buy out my share of the house. I can only hope.

My new job is not very well paid. I could try to get a permanent post, which pays better, but the hours are crap. So I am trying to find another part-time job, I'm cleaning a couple of houses a week (which pays far better than looking after autistic adults), and I'd like to do a few shifts a week in the support worker job. And I still need to get my massage therapist certification, and then could charge £20/hour for massages. I had a job interview on Tuesday. Of course I didn't get the job. But I made it to the final three. So close and yet...

So Here's What I've Been Doing

Does anybody who isn't Chinese read my blog anymore? Not that I have anything against the Chinese people but some comments in English are welcome as well.

Anyway, I have no room to complain as I have been an errant blogger. But much has been happening in my world. I started working. Yes, Wakeup has a job, actually two jobs and possibly a third on the way. I am a peripatetic support worker for people with autism. This is completely different to anything I've ever done, and yet it's not. I have been a carer for the past 18 years for FEX and my children. Now I get paid for it, and I get to work with autistic people. Yes, so far I enjoy it. Autism is an extremely complex disability. No two autistic people are alike, I've discovered. One may have highly developed verbal skills but has no concept of time and won't feed him or herself. Another may have no language skills and no toilet skills. All autistic people have a high level of anxiety. My heart goes out to them. Imagine trying to cope with daily living when you, through no fault of your own, have no coping skills and never will. Imagine being the parents of such a child. Imagine the hopes and dreams you had for your child and realising they will never happen. You can never relax because you never know what's going to happen, or you do know what's going to happen.

An interesting job, but not a highly paid one. That's why I'm also cleaning houses, which is far better paid. And I have an interview for a third job next week. Put them all together, though, and they add up to a decent wage. Not much free time, but who needs that? I am having a hard time adjusting to not being here for the family that don't want me here anyway. Well, I think my son does. And my daughter does on occasion. Who knows what FEX wants. Who cares?

The pension actuary's report came out today. I need to look at it in more detail but I'm leaning toward not going for a share of FEX's pension but a payout. That way I can invest it how I want, not how FEX wants. He has been a good money manager, but if I'm to have my independence, I must pull away completely. Also, who knows what could happen in the next 15 years. I could die. I could remarry. He could die. Life is full of uncertainty. FEX has been on the phone a lot with the kitchen door shut. I don't care who he's calling, but my dad has been trying to call me for several days because my stepmother has been in the hospital. And all he gets is a busy signal. I imagine FEX is on the phone with Julie16 and perhaps his two friends, five acquaintances, sister, and mother to update them on how wonderful he is and how horrible I am. My dad said he won't ever emerge from this negative state unless something really catastrophic happens to him. I don't wish that on him, but I do pray he one day stops this negativity and moves on. He's in danger, otherwise, of allowing our divorce to determine his reaction to everything and everyone in his life. And that's not a healthy way to be.

But I have no control over that. And meanwhile, I have so much to learn about autism.

The Nightmare Continues

Just when I thought Daughter and I had gotten through the worst of times, we take 100 giant steps backward. On Friday Daughter had a party. I went to a friend's house. She texted to say the bathroom door had been broken. When I got home, she showed me the damage. It was only the lock. OK, I shrugged. That can be fixed. Then she asked if a boy could stay over because he had no way home. OK, I said. Then it turned into three boys. Then I went in my room and discovered someone had been in there and gone through my drawers and papers. Then I went in the bathroom and discovered someone had thrown away my contact lens case.

Then I lost my cool and Daughter and I said a few choice words to each other. She said it was my fault for using "her" bathroom and moving into the bedroom across from her bathroom. She said it was embarrassing because all her friends knew. I said if I could move out, I would. I decided to take back the shoes I'd bought her the day before. She went outside with her friends to cool down. The next morning they all left early. She sent a text to her dad saying she didn't want to be in the same house as me anymore, which he showed me. Oh, FEX was quite upset too for they'd gone into his study. Beer bottles were everywhere. There was more damage than just the broken lock. FEX and I decided to take away her laptop and phone.

Daughter did text to apologise, but I must admit I was devastated by the text she sent her dad. Like he needs any more evidence to add to his claim that she hates my fucking guts. I went to a friend's 25th anniversary party last night. Daughter showed up with her new boyfriend, whom she introduced to me. We danced together but later I saw her laughing at my dancing. I saw her hugging her friends' mothers, and it just tore me up. She stayed away all day yesterday and didn't come home till this afternoon.

I know this girl is hurting inside. I know part of her desperately wants a relationship with me, and part of her is very angry. I know she craves a normal family life and so hangs out with her friends who have one. But I can take the blame for only so long. Those friends of hers on Friday were way out of order but apparently I'm not allowed to be angry about it. And of course FEX was so reasonable about it with her. So once again I'm the screaming shrew and he's the reasonable dad. Did I mention that he was at home while all this mayhem was happening?

I told her that's all he needs to prove that she hates me, that he'll be on the phone telling people just that. She said nothing in response.

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Falling Into a Depression

I feel so depressed. Why today more than any other day? Yesterday, I spent 5 hours cleaning the house to show to last-minute viewers. They came, they saw, they complimented. Today, they said the house is not for them. Oh despair! Will no one rescue me from this purgatory?

That's not the only reason. There are others. I got the terms and conditions of employment for my new job. Fantastic? I'm not sure. It's a locum position, meaning I fill in as and when needed. It's also not brilliantly paid. I got another rejection letter for another job I applied for. I just can't get motivated to get out there and work hard at looking for work.

FEX continues to be himself and I worry about the settlement if and when it happens.

And I have communication problems with other friends, to the point that one or some may be getting the boot. And maybe that's what they want but they aren't brave enough to come out and say it.

I realise I'm not the easiest person to be around right now. My natural insecurity and paranoia are having a bumper year, having been fed generously by FEX. And I'm so worried about money. I started writing down what I spend each day to try to get a handle on my outgoings so I can make up a personal survival budget in preparation for the day when I don't have much money. That is a day I'm actually looking forward to, but I want to be prepared for it.

And I'm scared of being alone. I haven't had sex in nearly a year. That is an all-time record for me. I've never gone that long since I became sexually active at the very young age of 15. I'm not even sure I know how anymore. I miss cuddling. But FEX was never good at that anyway. My kids were but they won't touch me now. I guess I'll be one of those women who sleeps with her cats. Wait! I AM one of those women. I can't really begin to have a single woman's social life because I'm not a single woman yet. And it would be awkward being in the same house as FEX. And I wonder what I'll call myself after the divorce. Will I be Mrs. still or Ms.? Does anyone know?

And I'm bone tired. Too many late nights and early mornings.

Oooh, I'm So Tired

Sometimes, and this is one of them, I am so tired I can't see straight. I went to sleep last night around 1, woke up at 4:30 when I heard one of the cats meowing to be let in, went downstairs thinking it was about 7, and discovered Son and his friends up playing on the Playstation. I thought they'd gone to bed and got up early. Silly me.

FEX and I have been getting along of late. And then he was on his phone tonight with door shut. That usually means he's on the phone trashing me. I didn't hear anything specific but I also didn't try that hard to hear. Just as I made a conscious decision to stop going through FEX's rubbish and other stuff, so I've decided not to try to hear anything he says anymore. It's counterproductive and ego-destroying. And I need all the ego I can get. I'm still looking for other jobs so I need to keep my confidence up.

One of those jobs is with the BBC. They're moving some of their operations up north and I thought I might as well send a CV. Well, I must have put some of the right keywords on because I got an email saying they liked my CV and would I now take an assessment exam? This consisted of watching a bunch of videos about office-related dilemmas and what I thought would be the most effective and lease effective solutions. Then there was a reading comprehension part. Then the psychological profile, which I worry that I messed up on. So I'll probably never hear from them again,but it was an interesting exercise. I felt pretty tired after it.

Yes, I have the other job, but it's only filling in for people who are ill or on holiday. I need something a bit more steady than that. I'm going to have to stop. I'm so tired I can't even see the keyboard.

A Dog and a Vibrator

What more does a woman need in life? Oh, a job. Got that. Just need the dog and vibrator.

Oh yes. Wakeup is very nearly an employed woman. I've worked very hard at looking for a job. And the one I got is low-paying with irregular hours. I will be working as a support worker for autistic adults on an ad hoc basis. I think it's disgraceful that gardeners and cleaners get paid more than I will be. But I might be starting a cleaning/gardening business with a friend as well anyway. And it's a start. That's what I keep telling myself. I think it could be a very fulfilling job.

I've gone off in a million different directions since last year, but it might be that things are starting to all come together. And if you believe that there is some greater plan, as I do, then the pieces of the puzzle might be coming together.

I am finishing up my ECDL course. I need to do more work on my Adobe Dreamweaver course. I am finishing up my Swedish massage coursework and need to book a time for my assessment and tests (the real reason I've put it off). With my pending job, I feel I need to tie up the loose ends. And that CV (resume) is just getting more and more fleshed out.

And did I mention that my college boyfriend and I are in touch? I don't wish to reignite our relationship, but it's nice that we can be friends after all these years. And of course, there's the dog and vibrator to look forward to...

Enough of the Drama

I cleaned two bathrooms today and discovered toiletries I couldn't remember buying the kids. A few months ago it would have been enough to send me into a rage against FEX and I probably would have thrown out said toiletries. Because it's MY job to buy them toiletries. And I thought, "This is how low we've gotten: battling over toiletries." Then the mail didn't arrive. In fact we haven't seemed to have had mail delivered in a few days. What's happened to the mail? Could he had redirected my mail?

I thought about those toiletries a while. And eventually I remembered that I had bought them. Then I phoned the post office. No record of mail from this address being redirected. My paranoia thus defeated or indulged, depending on how you look at it, I felt an overwhelming sadness. For FEX. For the kids. For myself.

Yesterday I revisited copies of emails FEX sent my parents and friends in November with the intention of posting excerpts here. But that would only perpetuate what's going on. It is a very, very sad situation. And it won't have a happy outcome. It will have a satisfactory outcome, but happiness? I'm not sure. You see, we've been through some very dark times in the last year, FEX and I. He's behaved appallingly at times and so have I. I've bored the pants off my friends, or maybe shocked them, with tales of our marital demise. And FEX has done similar with his small set of supporters.

And now I am just so very, very tired of the drama. I just want it to end. I want us both to move on and stop using the kids. I like to think I'm not using them as FEX is. But I am. I just want them to know I love them. I'm sorry I caused them so much pain. I always want them in my life and I hope they always want me. I try to talk to them but they really don't want to talk about it. Maybe in time. So I do the next best thing. I just carry on being me, being their mother. I give them a cheerful good morning. I wish them well in their day. I smile at their grumpiness. That is a small step toward reuniting with them. And if FEX doesn't like it, tough.

I expended so much energy on needless worries that I totally forgot what I learned in my Dreamweaver class. And the young guy didn't flirt with me today. What a pity. However, the washing machine repairman, who has been to my house a fair few times over the years, said I'm one of those people who gets better looking as they get older. I'd have kissed him but he's married.

Scary Stories

FEX is downstairs on the phone. Talking about me. Again. How do I know? My bedroom is right above the kitchen. I can hear all sorts of conversations.

I think he is unhappy because lately the kids and I have been getting along better. That is not part of the fiction he's created. They are supposed to be loyal to him and hate me.

Anyway, to occupy myself I decided to reread the letter he wrote me in October, the letter that was supposed to convince me to stay.

Here's an excerpt: "If you run with divorce proceedings, the lawyers and courts will not give a toss about your emotions or your feelings or indeed mine."

And another: "Since (my lawyers) consider the house to be big enough for all of us, I will not move out of the family home until it is sold, and I don't want you to move out either."

And yet another: "But once the gloves are off you will be 'on your own.'"

"There will be no ... financial risks if we reconnect as a couple and stay as a family unit."

He goes on about how little of his pension I would be entitled to, how his lawyer advised him to rewrite his will before the divorce was final, how if I stayed with him I wouldn't have to work, etc. All figures were presented in pounds and dollars. Then he wrote about how my financial assets will erode over time without benefit of inheritance from my parents. Huh?

Here's another quote: "But I cannot be held responsible once the courts start."

He even mentioned the cats being upset. He was a desperate man. But not a smart man. I found the whole letter very threatening and condescending in tone. I took it to my solicitor, who thought the same thing. He lied about his lawyer telling him to change his will. I found the email in which she specifically told him not to do so till the divorce is final.

He mentioned that the whole process could take as long as 2-3 years if the house doesn't sell. Well, it could if he makes it last long. By the way, he does very little to prepare the house for showings. The last time he sat out on the patio reading the paper while I was cleaning frantically from top to bottom.

Here's another quote, not from FEX but from Daughter: "Mum, I can't believe you haven't learnt not to trust dad with what he says."

That last quote is the most meaningful. I must learn to take everything FEX says and does with a grain of salt. It's very scary to be in my position. But staying in this marriage would be even scarier.

I Need A Break, God

I had a job interview today. How did it go? I have no idea. It was over and done with in 15 minutes. Does that make it good or bad? Were we all efficient at saying what we wanted to say? Or did they make their mind up about me and decide to move on?

I wasn't sure I wanted this job. It doesn't pay that well and it's only cover work for people on holiday or sick. I need a full-time job with a pension. But I told myself it could be a beginning. And at the end of the interview I decided I did want the job. But we shall see.

I have so many irons in the fire. I would just like one of them to get hot. Then I could relax a bit.

I also would like FEX to just lighten up. He treats this whole process as a personal attack. To me it's just a process, an unpleasant one, but not a personal attack. I certainly have not gloated to my mother about keeping our children away from his mother. And I suspect his mother has tried to get him to calm down and see reason. I really am trying so hard not see him as the monster he appears to be. I know there's a lot of anger there. And even more hurt. And, yes, I would say he deserves to feel that way. To a point. And he's gone beyond that point. Using the kids is going beyond that point. He says he never says anything negative about me to the kids, that he sticks up for me. It's not what he says, though (and he's certainly said plenty of negative things about me to others). It's how he acts. Like I'm not there. Like he's a single parent. Like he's the only parent they want or need. And they see that. And he buys them too. Well, he can afford to now. Daughter is quite materialistic at this stage in her life. She thinks only money can bring her happiness. Sadly, she's wrong. I remember being that age and wanting a flash car and nice clothes. I thought that would define me to the world as someone to be reckoned with, a success. But it doesn't. If you are married to your possessions, you better hope you never lose them.

One thing I have learned at my advanced age. It's trite but true: The best things in life are free. Friendship. Integrity. Money is not bad, and I am not looking forward to having less of it. But it's your attitude about money that matters. And FEX has a very strange one.

Oh, What a Nasty Man

Fex is on the phone with his mother. I can hear most of what he's saying. He is railing against me. He is saying I will not be able to get a credit card. He is saying he could cancel the credit card tomorrow and I'd be stuffed. He is saying if the kids live with him, as he seems to think they will, I won't be able to get benefits. He is talking about a figure of £2,500 a month and that I won't be able to take the kids to see my parents on that. And I won't be able to get plane tickets without a credit card. He is saying how he warned me in his infamous letter how difficult life would be for me financially. He is saying I've lived the life of "bloody Riley." He is making a joke about me being a "golddigger." He says "MY kids are really loyal to me." He says all the parents of the kids' friends are aware of what's going on and are on his side. He is saying how much he admires Julie16 How late in life, apparently, Julie16 is pursuing a degree.

I should not have to hear this. I should not have to live this life. I went away one night with friends on Saturday to celebrate the 50th birthday of one. I had such a good time. I cried when we were leaving because I didn't want to come back to this nightmare. And I knew he would find a way to twist it round that he's the only parent in their lives.

Does he not realise that he wouldn't have any kids if it weren't me? No other women were queuing up to sleep with him, believe me.

I have been trying to find an amicable solution to this. But it's so difficult. He makes no attempt at discretion. I think he wants me to hear these hurtful conversations. But I do have the text from my daughter.

He's going on about buying me out now. And he plans to phone the Home Office and get me shipped out. And I've apparently been "very, very nasty." And my lawyer apparently wasn't on the ball about looking at his contract of employment because it wasn't even dated.

Angio What?

I decided to put my educator hat on and alert you all to what is a somewhat rare but nonetheless alarming condition: Angiokeratoma of Fordyce. This is what I have in my nether regions. Apparently, it's seen far more often in men on their scrotum. If I were you, I wouldn't Google images of it. Not a pretty sight. Believe me.

Here is what it isn't: it isn't a sexually transmitted disease and it isn't cancer. What it is are red, purple or black dots or small growths similar to blood blisters. They don't itch. They don't hurt. I have four -- two the size of pin pricks, two a bit larger. They might go away but probably not. It's unclear, at least to me, what causes them.

Here's what I thought they were: melanoma of the vulva. Yep, you can get skin cancer even where the sun don't shine. Vulval cancer is the fourth most common type of genital cancer. It's ugly; it's awful. Symptoms are an itch that won't go away, pain that won't go away, unusual growths (hence my concern). Apparently, ladies, we are meant to check our vulvas like we check our breasts. Melanoma is but one of the cancers that can afflict this area. Vulval cancer is seen most frequently in women over 70 but it is on the rise in younger women, partly because of HPV. It is slow-growing so the survival rate if caught in time is quite high. Except for the melanoma because that is fast-growing.

I will admit I still have a nagging doubt that these angiokeratomas are a bit more sinister than the doctor led me to believe. But if they are, I should know fairly soon.

Now, isn't that a nice break from reading about my disintegrating marriage and relationship with my children?

The latest on that is Daughter and FEX had another sign language conversation in the kitchen. They think I'm so stupid. I've decided to rise above it. If that's what they want to do, let them. The kids informed me today that they'll be working in their dad's office during the half term. Doing what? I asked. Dunno, they replied. That should be fun! I shall be job-seeking and going on another interview and writing and doing my computer homework.

I won't be researching angiokeratoma of Fordyce. I did that today.

And the Good News Is...

I don't have cancer. Yes, I've been sitting on that one for a few days. You see, a few weeks ago I discovered some growths in a place where there shouldn't be any. I thought they were sweat pimples. Then I looked at them one day. They are black. And there are at least four of them. I did what all self-respecting hypochondriacs do.I googled them. And discovered they could be a rare form of genital cancer that's usually only seen in women over 70. But there are cases of younger women getting it.

So it was with much trepidation that I went to see my doctor today. I was in tears before I'd even stripped off. This doctor is usually quite remote, but today she hugged me. I must have been quite a sight.

I moved on from the doctor's to my websight design class, which I started today (to go with the other computer class I'm taking). And folks, I nearly cried again because a nice 30-something-year-old flirted with me. He probably didn't know it was flirting. I definitely was flirting with him.

I felt like I'd been rescued from the dead by both the doctor and the younger man. I need this too because Future Ex-Hubby (whom I have reason to believe reads this) has been so vile to me and about me.

I finally said something to Daughter about how FEX keeps telling me how much she hates me. She said hate is a strong word and she only hates one person and it isn't me. She also said I should know by now not to trust anything FEX says. I feel so much better now. They know he lies. They know he lies to me about them. They don't hate me.

All is definitely still not right in my world. But it's getting better. Just need to get a job.

He Is Such A Fucking Liar

I try so hard to remain positive and to try to think of things from Future Ex-Hubby's perspective.

And then I come home and the kitchen door is shut. That is a sure indicator that he's on the phone railing against me. And so he was with Julie16, his new internet girlfriend (has she seen him, several of my friends have asked). According to the fictional life this liar lives, the kids are very loyal to him. Daughter called him at work asking him to come home the other day because there was trouble at home, according to him. I asked her about this. She said she called him because she wanted a lift to her friend's house and I couldn't take her. Daughter hit son's nose with her ankle accidentally on Sunday. I just found out about it today. According to Future Ex-Hubby, they didn't say anything till today because they were afraid I'd shout at them. I asked Daughter. She said she wanted to tell me but son didn't. I didn't shout, for the record. The one who would have shouted, the one whose reaction Daughter was so keen to see, is Future Ex-Hubby.

We got our Decree Nisi yesterday. In 6 weeks I could apply for the Decree Absolute and be divorced. But I won't till the financial settlement is completed. And since Future Ex-Hubby is lying about that as well, that may take some time.

As I said, I do try. But he makes it bloody difficult with his lies. Should I tell the kids what he says? I'm afraid they'd just stick up for him and be even more down on me.

Whenever anyone shows me a modicum of kindness, I just about grovel at their feet in gratitude. That's because it's so bad here. Daughter's friend gave her a Pandora bracelet and three charms today. Just because. I'd planned to give that to her for her birthday. Don't need to bother now.

Maybe Future Ex-Hubby is feeling insecure because he sees that the kids and I get along better. And of course he doesn't want that. Maybe I should spit in his food every night (I still cook his meals). Or rub his shirts in cat litter. That's not really me but he makes me so angry with his lies.

To Walk In Another's Shoes

Sometimes in order to understand another person's behaviour, it's useful to try to imagine the world from their perspective. This is something I've been trying to do with Future Ex-Hubby. What would I do if I were him? What would I do if I discovered he was becoming emotionally involved with another woman.

Would I email his sister and tell her to tell him to get his act together? Most definitely not. Would I email his parents and say they would be unlikely to see their grandchildren again? No. Would I collect a three-inch-thick file of evidence against him to "save" the marriage? Nah, couldn't be bothered. Would I work on the kids in turning them against him? Possibly.

My reaction would be more direct. I would rant and rave perhaps. I would suggest counselling (which I did this time but really my heart wasn't in it). I would suggest he move to greener pastures. I would be perhaps a bit more ruthless about what I wanted financially from the breakup.

I usually have been the one to initiate a breakup, but I have been cheated on. And not just emotionally. And, yes, it hurt. And, yes, I wanted to hurt that person back, and ultimately I did. But not by destroying his privacy. I did it by moving on and refusing to get back together. No shouting. No power games. No tyranny. No bullying. Of course, it wasn't a marriage or even a particularly long-term relationship so perhaps it doesn't merit a comparison.

I'm trying to understand Future Ex-Hubby's behaviour becausing understanding can lead to an easier relationship. Or not. Not if he won't try to understand me. He views every step in the process as a personal attack. He was hurt, outraged and infuriated by the divorce petition. Well, of course, because it was all from my point of view. Then he calmed down. Til the financial disclosure form. Oh, he didn't like that part of the process at all. But he was scrupulous about it. Then there was the first financial disclosure court hearing. I don't know what he expected. Did he think the judge would side with him? He thought wrong if he did. Next is the Decree Nisi hearing. I expect some bad behaviour from him after that. And then there's the pension actuary's report to come. I expect loads of nastiness to come out of that.

I just don't have that much nastiness inside me. I know I've hurt him but I have not set out deliberately to hurt him. Really, I haven't. I don't want to hurt him, but I realise I have. I just wonder when he will feel fully avenged.

Ya Gotta Accentuate the Positive

I have been trying to think of positive things about future Ex-Hubby. Why? Well, it would make living with him at least somewhat bearable. And really that's what I've been doing for 18 years.

So here's one: he usually pours me one glass of wine from the bottle or two that he consumes every night. He then presents it to me with a flourish, as a master might to a favourite servant.

Here's another: he says he has been collecting information for my income tax return.

Here's a third: he has thought about if "my" car will need new tires for its MOT.

So he's not all bad, I suppose. Even if he shouted at me tonight because he says I didn't tell him in time about my latest solicitor's bill. Oh yes, I have to seek his permission to pay my solicitor's bills because he still controls the money. ALL the money because he more or less forced me to close the one account in my name. He threatened to get an injunction against me if I didn't sign the letter asking the funds to be transferred into a joint account. Of course, he could have then funneled it into his own account. Girls, never give up your careers. Never allow your partners to be the sole breadwinners. It gives them far too much control.

I retreated to my room after his shouting fit and nearly broke down in tears. So frustrating. We need to drop the price on the house but I'm afraid to approach him about it. Just as I was afraid to tell him about the solicitor's bill. I think he would have shouted at me anyway no matter when I told him. He's given me a hard time in the past about the bills. Anyway, we'll be sitting here a year from now if we don't drop the price. But future Ex-Hubby has his head in the sand about it.

I've been thinking about my parents lately and not in a good way. On Sunday my mother said she planned to get future Ex-Hubby a birthday present. I said I didn't know why she bothered since his family didn't get me anything (nothing new there). She said, "He's never done anything to me."

I will allow what few readers I have a moment to digest that statement. Are those the words of a mother supporting her daughter? Yet both my parents stuck up for the bastard all the 17 years we were married. They were so enamoured of the man I believe they cared more for him than they did for me. That's why he felt free to email them and say such terrible things about me. Because he knew they were never completely on my side. I don't know if my relationship with my father will recover. My mother is just nuts, I decided. Both spoke to him behind my back.

Where is the loyalty? Or the love? I rely heavily on my friends, and thank God I have them for my family have been completely useless in siding with me and supporting me through the terrible ordeal this marital breakup has been.