Monday, 31 May 2010

Oh, What a Nasty Man

Fex is on the phone with his mother. I can hear most of what he's saying. He is railing against me. He is saying I will not be able to get a credit card. He is saying he could cancel the credit card tomorrow and I'd be stuffed. He is saying if the kids live with him, as he seems to think they will, I won't be able to get benefits. He is talking about a figure of £2,500 a month and that I won't be able to take the kids to see my parents on that. And I won't be able to get plane tickets without a credit card. He is saying how he warned me in his infamous letter how difficult life would be for me financially. He is saying I've lived the life of "bloody Riley." He is making a joke about me being a "golddigger." He says "MY kids are really loyal to me." He says all the parents of the kids' friends are aware of what's going on and are on his side. He is saying how much he admires Julie16 How late in life, apparently, Julie16 is pursuing a degree.

I should not have to hear this. I should not have to live this life. I went away one night with friends on Saturday to celebrate the 50th birthday of one. I had such a good time. I cried when we were leaving because I didn't want to come back to this nightmare. And I knew he would find a way to twist it round that he's the only parent in their lives.

Does he not realise that he wouldn't have any kids if it weren't me? No other women were queuing up to sleep with him, believe me.

I have been trying to find an amicable solution to this. But it's so difficult. He makes no attempt at discretion. I think he wants me to hear these hurtful conversations. But I do have the text from my daughter.

He's going on about buying me out now. And he plans to phone the Home Office and get me shipped out. And I've apparently been "very, very nasty." And my lawyer apparently wasn't on the ball about looking at his contract of employment because it wasn't even dated.

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Angio What?

I decided to put my educator hat on and alert you all to what is a somewhat rare but nonetheless alarming condition: Angiokeratoma of Fordyce. This is what I have in my nether regions. Apparently, it's seen far more often in men on their scrotum. If I were you, I wouldn't Google images of it. Not a pretty sight. Believe me.

Here is what it isn't: it isn't a sexually transmitted disease and it isn't cancer. What it is are red, purple or black dots or small growths similar to blood blisters. They don't itch. They don't hurt. I have four -- two the size of pin pricks, two a bit larger. They might go away but probably not. It's unclear, at least to me, what causes them.

Here's what I thought they were: melanoma of the vulva. Yep, you can get skin cancer even where the sun don't shine. Vulval cancer is the fourth most common type of genital cancer. It's ugly; it's awful. Symptoms are an itch that won't go away, pain that won't go away, unusual growths (hence my concern). Apparently, ladies, we are meant to check our vulvas like we check our breasts. Melanoma is but one of the cancers that can afflict this area. Vulval cancer is seen most frequently in women over 70 but it is on the rise in younger women, partly because of HPV. It is slow-growing so the survival rate if caught in time is quite high. Except for the melanoma because that is fast-growing.

I will admit I still have a nagging doubt that these angiokeratomas are a bit more sinister than the doctor led me to believe. But if they are, I should know fairly soon.

Now, isn't that a nice break from reading about my disintegrating marriage and relationship with my children?

The latest on that is Daughter and FEX had another sign language conversation in the kitchen. They think I'm so stupid. I've decided to rise above it. If that's what they want to do, let them. The kids informed me today that they'll be working in their dad's office during the half term. Doing what? I asked. Dunno, they replied. That should be fun! I shall be job-seeking and going on another interview and writing and doing my computer homework.

I won't be researching angiokeratoma of Fordyce. I did that today.

Monday, 24 May 2010

And the Good News Is...

I don't have cancer. Yes, I've been sitting on that one for a few days. You see, a few weeks ago I discovered some growths in a place where there shouldn't be any. I thought they were sweat pimples. Then I looked at them one day. They are black. And there are at least four of them. I did what all self-respecting hypochondriacs do.I googled them. And discovered they could be a rare form of genital cancer that's usually only seen in women over 70. But there are cases of younger women getting it.

So it was with much trepidation that I went to see my doctor today. I was in tears before I'd even stripped off. This doctor is usually quite remote, but today she hugged me. I must have been quite a sight.

I moved on from the doctor's to my websight design class, which I started today (to go with the other computer class I'm taking). And folks, I nearly cried again because a nice 30-something-year-old flirted with me. He probably didn't know it was flirting. I definitely was flirting with him.

I felt like I'd been rescued from the dead by both the doctor and the younger man. I need this too because Future Ex-Hubby (whom I have reason to believe reads this) has been so vile to me and about me.

I finally said something to Daughter about how FEX keeps telling me how much she hates me. She said hate is a strong word and she only hates one person and it isn't me. She also said I should know by now not to trust anything FEX says. I feel so much better now. They know he lies. They know he lies to me about them. They don't hate me.

All is definitely still not right in my world. But it's getting better. Just need to get a job.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

He Is Such A Fucking Liar

I try so hard to remain positive and to try to think of things from Future Ex-Hubby's perspective.

And then I come home and the kitchen door is shut. That is a sure indicator that he's on the phone railing against me. And so he was with Julie16, his new internet girlfriend (has she seen him, several of my friends have asked). According to the fictional life this liar lives, the kids are very loyal to him. Daughter called him at work asking him to come home the other day because there was trouble at home, according to him. I asked her about this. She said she called him because she wanted a lift to her friend's house and I couldn't take her. Daughter hit son's nose with her ankle accidentally on Sunday. I just found out about it today. According to Future Ex-Hubby, they didn't say anything till today because they were afraid I'd shout at them. I asked Daughter. She said she wanted to tell me but son didn't. I didn't shout, for the record. The one who would have shouted, the one whose reaction Daughter was so keen to see, is Future Ex-Hubby.

We got our Decree Nisi yesterday. In 6 weeks I could apply for the Decree Absolute and be divorced. But I won't till the financial settlement is completed. And since Future Ex-Hubby is lying about that as well, that may take some time.

As I said, I do try. But he makes it bloody difficult with his lies. Should I tell the kids what he says? I'm afraid they'd just stick up for him and be even more down on me.

Whenever anyone shows me a modicum of kindness, I just about grovel at their feet in gratitude. That's because it's so bad here. Daughter's friend gave her a Pandora bracelet and three charms today. Just because. I'd planned to give that to her for her birthday. Don't need to bother now.

Maybe Future Ex-Hubby is feeling insecure because he sees that the kids and I get along better. And of course he doesn't want that. Maybe I should spit in his food every night (I still cook his meals). Or rub his shirts in cat litter. That's not really me but he makes me so angry with his lies.

Friday, 14 May 2010

To Walk In Another's Shoes

Sometimes in order to understand another person's behaviour, it's useful to try to imagine the world from their perspective. This is something I've been trying to do with Future Ex-Hubby. What would I do if I were him? What would I do if I discovered he was becoming emotionally involved with another woman.

Would I email his sister and tell her to tell him to get his act together? Most definitely not. Would I email his parents and say they would be unlikely to see their grandchildren again? No. Would I collect a three-inch-thick file of evidence against him to "save" the marriage? Nah, couldn't be bothered. Would I work on the kids in turning them against him? Possibly.

My reaction would be more direct. I would rant and rave perhaps. I would suggest counselling (which I did this time but really my heart wasn't in it). I would suggest he move to greener pastures. I would be perhaps a bit more ruthless about what I wanted financially from the breakup.

I usually have been the one to initiate a breakup, but I have been cheated on. And not just emotionally. And, yes, it hurt. And, yes, I wanted to hurt that person back, and ultimately I did. But not by destroying his privacy. I did it by moving on and refusing to get back together. No shouting. No power games. No tyranny. No bullying. Of course, it wasn't a marriage or even a particularly long-term relationship so perhaps it doesn't merit a comparison.

I'm trying to understand Future Ex-Hubby's behaviour becausing understanding can lead to an easier relationship. Or not. Not if he won't try to understand me. He views every step in the process as a personal attack. He was hurt, outraged and infuriated by the divorce petition. Well, of course, because it was all from my point of view. Then he calmed down. Til the financial disclosure form. Oh, he didn't like that part of the process at all. But he was scrupulous about it. Then there was the first financial disclosure court hearing. I don't know what he expected. Did he think the judge would side with him? He thought wrong if he did. Next is the Decree Nisi hearing. I expect some bad behaviour from him after that. And then there's the pension actuary's report to come. I expect loads of nastiness to come out of that.

I just don't have that much nastiness inside me. I know I've hurt him but I have not set out deliberately to hurt him. Really, I haven't. I don't want to hurt him, but I realise I have. I just wonder when he will feel fully avenged.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Ya Gotta Accentuate the Positive

I have been trying to think of positive things about future Ex-Hubby. Why? Well, it would make living with him at least somewhat bearable. And really that's what I've been doing for 18 years.

So here's one: he usually pours me one glass of wine from the bottle or two that he consumes every night. He then presents it to me with a flourish, as a master might to a favourite servant.

Here's another: he says he has been collecting information for my income tax return.

Here's a third: he has thought about if "my" car will need new tires for its MOT.

So he's not all bad, I suppose. Even if he shouted at me tonight because he says I didn't tell him in time about my latest solicitor's bill. Oh yes, I have to seek his permission to pay my solicitor's bills because he still controls the money. ALL the money because he more or less forced me to close the one account in my name. He threatened to get an injunction against me if I didn't sign the letter asking the funds to be transferred into a joint account. Of course, he could have then funneled it into his own account. Girls, never give up your careers. Never allow your partners to be the sole breadwinners. It gives them far too much control.

I retreated to my room after his shouting fit and nearly broke down in tears. So frustrating. We need to drop the price on the house but I'm afraid to approach him about it. Just as I was afraid to tell him about the solicitor's bill. I think he would have shouted at me anyway no matter when I told him. He's given me a hard time in the past about the bills. Anyway, we'll be sitting here a year from now if we don't drop the price. But future Ex-Hubby has his head in the sand about it.

I've been thinking about my parents lately and not in a good way. On Sunday my mother said she planned to get future Ex-Hubby a birthday present. I said I didn't know why she bothered since his family didn't get me anything (nothing new there). She said, "He's never done anything to me."

I will allow what few readers I have a moment to digest that statement. Are those the words of a mother supporting her daughter? Yet both my parents stuck up for the bastard all the 17 years we were married. They were so enamoured of the man I believe they cared more for him than they did for me. That's why he felt free to email them and say such terrible things about me. Because he knew they were never completely on my side. I don't know if my relationship with my father will recover. My mother is just nuts, I decided. Both spoke to him behind my back.

Where is the loyalty? Or the love? I rely heavily on my friends, and thank God I have them for my family have been completely useless in siding with me and supporting me through the terrible ordeal this marital breakup has been.

Friday, 7 May 2010

A Bit of a Break

Hubby had a good week at long last. And so did I. He started his new job and was out of the house for 10 blissful hours for each of four days. He has his own office, his own parking spot, someone to bring him tea and biscuits, a new Blackberry phone, and dozens to prop up that huge ego of his.

The kids and I returned to almost normal with each other. We ate together. We joked. We talked. Son revealed his very poor Maths exam score. We haven't told his dad yet. Daughter wants to go to a music festival and we discussed the pros and cons of it. And how we would approach her dad with the idea. Gone was the oppressive atmosphere. Till the key turned in the door. Then I retreated to my room, the kids to their rooms. They are pleasant to him and don't sound sorry to see him. But it made me wonder. Could the problems I've been having with them be completely attributable to their dad? Could they feel his tyranny as much as I do? Are they afraid of his disapproval? And they're not afraid of mine?

They must feel so confused. I know I do at times.

With Hubby out of the house, I feel I can breathe. I feel like I can take my house back from his oppressive influence. For the first time in months, I've used the family computer (not for this, of course, but for job-seeking). And I did wonder briefly if we'd be where we are if he'd gotten this job two years ago. But I realise that his spying began a decade ago. I remember him coming home about 10 years ago and going through the Sent Mail file. Why? He said he was looking for something. What he found was an innocent email I'd sent to a former (male) colleague. He asked me about it in a strange way, and I never contacted the colleague again.

I remember other instances. They seemed trivial at the time, but perhaps I stored them up in my subconscious. I certainly started feeling unhappy every year at the same time -- near our anniversary. But I kept telling myself how could I be unhappy? I didn't deserve to be unhappy. Look what he provided for me. Look at the life we had together.

Well, let's look at it. It was a life he provided. I had nothing to do with it, being that I was only a stay-at-home mother. I always thought Hubby had a misogynist streak. I even gave him a book called The Natural Inferiority of Woman, which was a tongue-in-cheek look at the misogyny of men. He was proud of me, it's true. Proud of the way I looked. Proud of the way I could cook and entertain (though he never actually wanted me to entertain anyone other than him). But anytime I raised the subject (weakly, it's true) of going back to work, he would say, "You don't need to work." I didn't have to worry about bills as they were all in his name. Do you get what was going on? I was treated as a Victorian housewife. I don't want to be a Victorian housewife. I want to be myself. And I couldn't be that in this marriage and I couldn't pretend anymore.

And so we're having this very nasty split because he wanted things to remain the same and I didn't.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

I Hate Him So (Well, I Had to Say It Sooner or Later)

I heard Hubby talking about me on the phone again tonight. I always have to think about who he's talking about because the person he describes just doesn't sound like me at all. Tonight, again, he said he doubts the kids will want anything to do with me once the divorce is final. That could be wishful thinking on his part. Then again, the way the kids are to me, maybe not. And apparently Hubby has a fledgeling relationship. The woman in question wants it to be just friends for now. But, he told whoever, what if in the future they get together and what if I come back and demand more of his pension? Because the salary I'll be on once I get a job will be so low I'll probably have to. Or so he said.

This seems to be a recurrent theme with him: me trying to get my hands on all his money. That, however, is not the uppermost concern for me. The uppermost concern, my biggest fear, is that I won't have a relationship with my kids. I wonder if when he took them out last Sunday he said he took this job so he could work from home and they could live with him. The properties he's looking at certainly suggest he plans to have a family living with him. My kids won't even talk to me about what will happen afterwards or where they will live. No one will talk about anything.

I wonder if I shouldn't just ask my daughter outright if she plans to live with her father. I may not like the answer but at least I'll know where I stand. I don't like Hubby making the children collude with him in screwing me. I think it's wrong. I think he's actually fucking them up because I haven't done anything to my kids to make them hate me this much. I haven't run out on them. I haven't abused them. I hate their father, but who wouldn't if they were in my shoes? And I manage to hold my tongue and temper most of the time. When I've lost it, it's because I've been pushed into losing it.

But I bet they don't see it that way.

So Hubby's greatest fear is that I'll take him to the cleaners and he will lose his pension. And he treats me in a way that makes me want to do just that. My biggest fear is I will lose my kids. I would gladly trade my pension rights for my kids any day. I'm just astounded at how little Hubby knows me. After 18 years together he thinks my priority is the money. But that's his. Always has been. Mine has always been the family. Suddenly, the workaholic husband is a family man who has to work from home because of his kids. Who treats me like I'm invisible. On Sunday, for example, I said I would call Son to find out when he was coming home. Hubby then told Daughter, in front of me, to text her brother to find out where he was because Hubby was leaving the house. I said I could do that as I'm still one of Son's parents. Why does he do that? To further demean me in the eyes of my children. To make them think he's the only parent they can count on. He's their best friend and they are his. Or so he thinks.

I. Hate. The. Man. So. Very. Much.