Wednesday, 16 February 2011

I'm Not Dead -- Not Yet

No, I've sort of lost the urge to blog. I've been busy with work, with my new house, with my children, with my new man.

The house has proved to need a bit more work doing than it appeared at first. And getting someone to do the work is difficult too. And I still have many things to buy for it. I still have lots of boxes to unpack and I just don't feel like doing it. Part of the reason is the boxes are in my bedroom, which is glacial thanks to a malfunctioning radiator.

The children and I are getting along a lot better. Our trip to Florida at Christmas helped a lot. They know I love them. I know they love me. We are coping.

My new man! He is someone I met at work in December. I was still in contact with the old boyfriend from 28 years ago, but we'd had quite a few ups and downs and I was starting to think I should look elsewhere. I had thought about men at work but the ones I was interested in were taken. And I was a bit reluctant to appear like I was desperate. Then this man walked into my life. He flirted with me outrageously for an hour or so one afternoon. I texted a friend that night asking about him. I wasn't sure if this flirting was indeed flirting or something he did with all women. A bit of both it turned out. While I was in America at Christmas he texted me to ask if I'd like to go out when we got back. And when I got back the texting onslaught started. He is younger than me. By about 12 years. He says it's not an issue, and it certainly doesn't feel that way when we're together. I've never had a relationship like this. I keep casting my mind back to various relationships and their beginnings. Of course, there's that giddy can't-get-enough feeling. But this is something different. I've never had such an adventurous and open sexual relationship for one thing. Also, in the past I was much concerned with what a man did for a living and what sort of cache he had. My new man has no such cache. He is by his own admission bad with money. He lives in a filthy flat, has no car, works at a low-paying job (but so do I). What he has is a fantastic sense of humour and a way of making me feel like I am the most gorgeous, desirable woman on earth. And I feel the same way about him. Is he Mr. Right? I have no idea. But he is Mr. Right Now. Every time I see him, I want to see him more. Our obligations to our mutual children (he has a 9-year-old son to whom he is devoted) have acted to slow things down a bit. Just as well. I fall head over heels too often and too quickly. At 51, I feel mortal, like I don't have much time left before I'm a toothless hag. But I also feel it's time I enjoyed myself. I panic. I get paranoid. But I get over it. And then I see my man and everything's great. Old Boyfriend wasn't happy when I told him I was moving on (after he forgot my birthday when I did all but sign the birthday card for him). But that was never a realistic relationship. This one is.

The ex continues to prove why he's an ex every chance he gets. Now I tell the children when he pulls one of his shenanigans. Like text me to fuck off. Like email me to threaten me about one of the children. As each day passes, I thank God I am away from him and that I have the life I have.

I'm happy and that is a very strange feeling for me. But I'm getting used to it.