Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Falling Into a Depression

I feel so depressed. Why today more than any other day? Yesterday, I spent 5 hours cleaning the house to show to last-minute viewers. They came, they saw, they complimented. Today, they said the house is not for them. Oh despair! Will no one rescue me from this purgatory?

That's not the only reason. There are others. I got the terms and conditions of employment for my new job. Fantastic? I'm not sure. It's a locum position, meaning I fill in as and when needed. It's also not brilliantly paid. I got another rejection letter for another job I applied for. I just can't get motivated to get out there and work hard at looking for work.

FEX continues to be himself and I worry about the settlement if and when it happens.

And I have communication problems with other friends, to the point that one or some may be getting the boot. And maybe that's what they want but they aren't brave enough to come out and say it.

I realise I'm not the easiest person to be around right now. My natural insecurity and paranoia are having a bumper year, having been fed generously by FEX. And I'm so worried about money. I started writing down what I spend each day to try to get a handle on my outgoings so I can make up a personal survival budget in preparation for the day when I don't have much money. That is a day I'm actually looking forward to, but I want to be prepared for it.

And I'm scared of being alone. I haven't had sex in nearly a year. That is an all-time record for me. I've never gone that long since I became sexually active at the very young age of 15. I'm not even sure I know how anymore. I miss cuddling. But FEX was never good at that anyway. My kids were but they won't touch me now. I guess I'll be one of those women who sleeps with her cats. Wait! I AM one of those women. I can't really begin to have a single woman's social life because I'm not a single woman yet. And it would be awkward being in the same house as FEX. And I wonder what I'll call myself after the divorce. Will I be Mrs. still or Ms.? Does anyone know?

And I'm bone tired. Too many late nights and early mornings.


Fire Byrd said...

Huh you gotta a way to go, it's two and a half years since I had sex, had a cuddle, had a snog.
And you can call yourself what you want that's your right, and you can change your name by deed poll. That's what I did.

Anonymous said...