Monday, 7 June 2010

Enough of the Drama

I cleaned two bathrooms today and discovered toiletries I couldn't remember buying the kids. A few months ago it would have been enough to send me into a rage against FEX and I probably would have thrown out said toiletries. Because it's MY job to buy them toiletries. And I thought, "This is how low we've gotten: battling over toiletries." Then the mail didn't arrive. In fact we haven't seemed to have had mail delivered in a few days. What's happened to the mail? Could he had redirected my mail?

I thought about those toiletries a while. And eventually I remembered that I had bought them. Then I phoned the post office. No record of mail from this address being redirected. My paranoia thus defeated or indulged, depending on how you look at it, I felt an overwhelming sadness. For FEX. For the kids. For myself.

Yesterday I revisited copies of emails FEX sent my parents and friends in November with the intention of posting excerpts here. But that would only perpetuate what's going on. It is a very, very sad situation. And it won't have a happy outcome. It will have a satisfactory outcome, but happiness? I'm not sure. You see, we've been through some very dark times in the last year, FEX and I. He's behaved appallingly at times and so have I. I've bored the pants off my friends, or maybe shocked them, with tales of our marital demise. And FEX has done similar with his small set of supporters.

And now I am just so very, very tired of the drama. I just want it to end. I want us both to move on and stop using the kids. I like to think I'm not using them as FEX is. But I am. I just want them to know I love them. I'm sorry I caused them so much pain. I always want them in my life and I hope they always want me. I try to talk to them but they really don't want to talk about it. Maybe in time. So I do the next best thing. I just carry on being me, being their mother. I give them a cheerful good morning. I wish them well in their day. I smile at their grumpiness. That is a small step toward reuniting with them. And if FEX doesn't like it, tough.

I expended so much energy on needless worries that I totally forgot what I learned in my Dreamweaver class. And the young guy didn't flirt with me today. What a pity. However, the washing machine repairman, who has been to my house a fair few times over the years, said I'm one of those people who gets better looking as they get older. I'd have kissed him but he's married.

6 comments:

07_TeddyF_Silvey0 said...

More haste, less speed............................................................................

Fire Byrd said...

Despite your sadness I think you are moving steadily forward. You are seeing a way forward to manage this pain, by not endlessly going over and over it. It is good to know that you are starting to let it go. And as your friend, I'm still happy to listen even if I've heard it before.
xx

Expat mum said...

I think you're right about the kids. They just need you as their mother and don't need to hear anybody's "side" of things.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

It's hard for all of you living in a war zone. A complete nightmare. I'm glad that you can move forward a bit, they need you to be strong as they must be very frightened, as no doubt you are of the future. You will be happy again, it comes and the joy of being on your own, no fights, arguments, spite to destroy your day and mindset. Fear stopped me moving on from my relationship that had died years before. I have never been happier and at times I thought I'd never be that way again.

I hope that at least you can resist him pushing your hot buttons as we he can't get to you he will stop in time and perhaps you can have a sort of amnesty until you go your seperate ways. All the best.

思姿穎穎 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。..................................................

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

I tried to leave replies here before but I don't know what happened to them.

Fire Byrd: Thank you so much for being my friend. I'm starting to let go of all sorts of things.

Expat Mum: Yes, I tell myself that every day.

MOB: I am attempting to negotiate a sort of amnesty now. I need it so I can get the financial settlement sorted and move on.