Tuesday, 10 August 2010

I Need To Wake Up and Make Up My Mind

I've been invited to apply for a permanent post where I work. Should I do it? It involves shifts and sleepovers. It means a 75p/hour pay rise, though with some perks. It also means I'd work with some individuals I quite like in a house I quite like. But I would lose my independence. As it is, I can determine my hours, though not where I work. So I could have a boring 9-4:30 job or a very interesting, fulfilling one with hours all over the place.

I feel paralyzed by indecision. I've been frantically househunting because I want to get out of here pronto. And I've found three properties I really like. But I keep finding fault with each of them. I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. I took a friend with me on Sunday to look at six houses but soon regretted it. I know she was trying to be my advocate, but I felt like she took over. So I'm going solo or with the kids.

And I wonder if I should report FEX for supplying underage teens with alcohol. He bought an alcopop for Daughter's friends tonight. I am strongly opposed to this teen-age drinking though I'm a total hypocrite. Just because I did it doesn't make it right. And Daughter lied to me about it and tried to make out that it was her dad lying. My relationship with her is very rocky.

So, back to these houses. One is actually a two-floor three-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment with views of the beach and the golf course. I love it, but the outside needs some attention. The two others I like are Edwardian semis: spacious rooms. One has been decorated very nicely. And it's a bit beyond my price range. I am torn between going for the cheaper option (the apartment) and paying to have the exterior refurbed or buying something I don't need to do anything to. The apartment comes with a garage. The two semis don't. The apartment doesn't have a garden (yard) though it has the potential for one. The two semis have small, manageable gardens (yards). My kids want a house with a party room. The apartment has just enough space but nothing spare. The semis have a bit of leeway. My kids will be out the door in four years' time and I don't know how much time they will spend with me before then. I have to think about taxes (lower for the apartment), upkeep, utility bills, resellability, and how I would feel being there all by myself. I keep asking for advice but don't know if that's the right thing to do either. Everyone has an opinion and sometimes it's colored by what they want, not what I need.

The kids have found lots of excuses for not coming with me to look at these houses. I know I should be more understanding of them. This must be so hard for them. But it is so hurtful to me. FEX says he doesn't know if he's going to keep the house on the market or not. He keeps going in the back garden and taking out some shrub. I now think he is trying to show me and the garden who's boss. I imagine this is how it will be for the rest of his or my life: him trying to prove to me what a bad decision I made to leave him. I still feel no regrets though I am very sad about my relationship with my kids.

I must focus on other things: job and house. Make a decision, wakeup!

5 comments:

怡潔 said...

讓好心情回味發酵;壞心情留在文字裡隨時間消逝吧!............................................................

守何何何韋 said...

友誼能增進快樂,減少痛苦......................................................................

316 said...

生存乃是不斷地在內心與靈魂交戰;寫作是坐著審判自己。..................................................

怡靜怡靜怡靜怡雯 said...

謝謝大大的分享 我會學會反省與寬容 感恩 ∩△∩............................................................

MBNAD woman said...

Hello again
I thought that you'd given up blogging. I was doing some blog-housekeeping (much nicer than the real thing!) when I found that you were posting again.

Somewhere you asked if it was possible to be civilised when divorcing. It's hard (and in my case impossible) when it's going on but as you move away from the event, things get a different perspective and you will always be the parents of your much-loved children. Sometimes I still get hacked off by the fact that he fibbed so massively about his financial situation but then I just let it go.
You will, long term, be happier and so will your children. The ideal environment for children is a home with two parents who love them and each other. The worst case is a home where the parents no longer love each other (no matter how much they love the children). They don't thrive in that toxic environment. You've made a compromise and your children (and you) will be happier for it.
Good luck.
Mad x