Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Binge and purge

The cats woke me up at 4:46 this morning. Struggled to get back to sleep what with sore throat and all. Finally did only to have a dream that I had uncontrollable diarrhea everywhere. I woke up thinking "I worked hard to get back to sleep for that?" I was exhausted from all the subconscious cleaning-up I had to do. What could dreaming about bowels out of control possibly mean? I don't think I even want to go there.

Needless to say, I'm too tired to do anything.

Maybe it's because I went back to Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time last night. I managed to keep the weight off for about two years then had the Big Depression last autumn when some so-called friends dumped me because we put our house up for sale. But now our house isn't for sale anymore. I feel like I've won a reprieve from a serious illness or prison sentence.

During the depths of my depression, I felt so bad about my kids. I know what it's like to grow up with a depressed parent. I used to come home from school and find my mother lying on our chair that looked like Frazier's dad's (only without the duct tape). She'd be staring at the ceiling saying in a monotone, "I have no friends. I have no life." I resented her for that. She should have been up and active and doing things instead of feeling sorry for herself.
And I wonder if that's what my kids think about me. Do they think I'm a real saddo? I don't lie on a chair all day or bemoan my lack of friends (actually I do the latter sometimes). Kids don't want to know their parent's problems. I was ready to leave my husband over this house issue. Fortunately, my son's education has solved all that.

Anyway, maybe the diarrhea dream was about purging myself of all the garbage I've felt over the past few months. I'm cleaning myself out and moving on. I've started running again in preparation for a 5K in June. I even got some friends doing it too. And now that my house will remain my home, I want to get it in better shape too. Life moves on.

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