Wednesday, 28 November 2007

They Just Want to Curl Up and Die

I've discovered a new method of getting information out of my children. Call it parental bait and switch or surprise attack.

It came to light last week. We were on our way to test-drive a new car. My son was showing my daughter a picture of his girlfriend on his phone. Being the nosy mother I am, I wanted to see too. I asked him to show me. He stalled and stalled, couldn't find it, etc. So I decided it was a good time to have a general sex and growing up discussion.

"So," I asked, "do you have any pubic hairs yet?"

Son nearly choked on his tongue.

"Mum, that's not a question you're supposed to ask. It's none of your business."

"I just want you to know you can always come to me if you have any questions, or even your dad. Do you have any questions?"

The phone was presented immediately with the picture of the girlfriend, who is cute, by the way.

The other night I was taking a break from ironing and watching music videos with daughter. There was a certain dance move I wanted daughter to show me. She was covering her face with the newspaper to avoid seeing my hopeless attempts. Aha, I thought, I'll embarrass her even more.

"So," I asked, "have you kissed any boys yet?"

There was a long, uncomfortable silence during which daughter seemed riveted by the TV. Obviously thinking about her answer, she finally replied.

"Yeah, in Year Six, but you know about that."

Hmm, did I?

Daughter decided to show me the dance move as I was about to probe further.

I picked son up from school yesterday. Knowing that he and his sister exchange secrets sometimes, I asked him who daughter had been kissing. He immediately came up with a name.

"Did she tell you that?" I asked.

"No, but he's really nice to me and talks to me and always tells me how nice my sister is."

"Does he say she's fit?" I probed further.

"That's not something you say to a girl's brother," he said.

Oh. Fit obviously has a different meaning these days.

Ah, this teen phase could actually have potential for fun. I can't wait to embarrass them some more.


Swearing Mother said...

That's on your job desciption, embarrassing your kids.

I am a master at it now, or so they tell me. Oh Mum! is the phrase of choice.

Flowerpot said...

I want to hear more of this! Good for you....

Pantheist Mom said...

I am laughing so hard - and taking notes. Can't wait to chaperon my first middle school dance. I have some nifty dance moves and I'm *SURE* Q and his friends would be so proud that I'm such a cool mom. Right?

J said...

Excellent strategy. Shall have to remember that one. Heck, there's a middle school dance coming up this weekend - perhaps I can break it out then.


Annie said...

Ha ha! I love it! Not sure I'll be loving the idea of my kids kissing anyone though :( I won't have to think of that for a long time - I hope!

laurie said...

oh, hilarious!

though at that age, as i recall, my mother could embarrass the hell out of me just by being in my general vicinity in public.

Kaycie said...

Very funny! I never told my brother anything. He could be much more easily manipulated than I was to spill the beans.

Being a few years ahead of you on this, I have a suggestion. When using the words 'pubic hair' or 'breasts' no longer embarrasses them, move right on to using 'masturbation' in a sentence. It gets you anything you're after!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

I was going to say that I do the same thing with similar response, but then when I got to kaycie's comment I decided not to throw in my two cents.

I hate to mess with the master.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

If he's ever pestering you, do the one Cake did once to her son

'Shouldn't you be upstairs masturbating?'

Pixie said...

Fantastic idea, must practise it immediatly!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

SM: Give me some lessons!

flowerpot: I plan to do more of it.

PM: Yeah, you get out there and boogie on down.

j: Let me know how you get on at the dance.

annie: I don't want to think of it either but I have to be realistic.

laurie: Well, I have been known to breathe, and apparently that's pretty embarrassing too.

kaycie: Ooooh, the M word. Love it. I'll remember that.

RC: Yes, she is quite good, isn't she.

VI: That is too funny! I can't wait to use that one, but I'll save it for when they really annoy me.

Pixie: Yes, because your No.2 son should be at that age still.

Kelly said...


Candy said...

Embarrassing your children is tough work, I always say, but in the end, vastly fulfilling.

Well done.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

kelly: Save all these ideas for 12 years' time.

candy: Very vastly fulfilling.

DJ Kirkby said...

You are so clever! Oh and this week's WW winner! Congrats, funny girl...

Queeny said...

Blind-side them! I love that tack.

marymaryquitecontrary said...

It was my youngest daughter who once embarrassed my two older ones. S is eleven years younger that her sister. One evening we were sitting down to dinner when she suddenly faced her father and said," have you ever used a condom." The two older ones, then teenagers, nearly choked. I was at the time when safe sex was being urged,aids had come to the fore and she had obviouly seem an ad on television. Her father replied "not recently" and quickly changed the subject.

Anonymous said...

Getting your own back on your kids for how many times they embarrass you when they are little! Great post.

Crystal xx