Just when I thought Daughter and I had gotten through the worst of times, we take 100 giant steps backward. On Friday Daughter had a party. I went to a friend's house. She texted to say the bathroom door had been broken. When I got home, she showed me the damage. It was only the lock. OK, I shrugged. That can be fixed. Then she asked if a boy could stay over because he had no way home. OK, I said. Then it turned into three boys. Then I went in my room and discovered someone had been in there and gone through my drawers and papers. Then I went in the bathroom and discovered someone had thrown away my contact lens case.
Then I lost my cool and Daughter and I said a few choice words to each other. She said it was my fault for using "her" bathroom and moving into the bedroom across from her bathroom. She said it was embarrassing because all her friends knew. I said if I could move out, I would. I decided to take back the shoes I'd bought her the day before. She went outside with her friends to cool down. The next morning they all left early. She sent a text to her dad saying she didn't want to be in the same house as me anymore, which he showed me. Oh, FEX was quite upset too for they'd gone into his study. Beer bottles were everywhere. There was more damage than just the broken lock. FEX and I decided to take away her laptop and phone.
Daughter did text to apologise, but I must admit I was devastated by the text she sent her dad. Like he needs any more evidence to add to his claim that she hates my fucking guts. I went to a friend's 25th anniversary party last night. Daughter showed up with her new boyfriend, whom she introduced to me. We danced together but later I saw her laughing at my dancing. I saw her hugging her friends' mothers, and it just tore me up. She stayed away all day yesterday and didn't come home till this afternoon.
I know this girl is hurting inside. I know part of her desperately wants a relationship with me, and part of her is very angry. I know she craves a normal family life and so hangs out with her friends who have one. But I can take the blame for only so long. Those friends of hers on Friday were way out of order but apparently I'm not allowed to be angry about it. And of course FEX was so reasonable about it with her. So once again I'm the screaming shrew and he's the reasonable dad. Did I mention that he was at home while all this mayhem was happening?
I told her that's all he needs to prove that she hates me, that he'll be on the phone telling people just that. She said nothing in response.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
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2 comments:
Oh dear. Nightmare indeed. Perhaps if you don't engage so much with her (in the form of an argument) it will a) stop her from saying really cruel things, b) give FEX less amunition, and c) prevent both of you saying things you'll regret.
It's really hard with kids because as you say, she's doing this mainly because she's so hurt by everything. It's hard for just you to be the scapegoat though.
A friend of mine went through this years ago. Her husband left her for someone else and he'd been hving an affair for quite a while before that. She kept her mouth shut about it until all the hurt had died down, and when the kids were old enough and stable enough to learn the truth, she told them (but only when they asked.) I don't know how she did it.
Chinese writer: I translated what you said but it didn't make any sense.
Expat Mum: I have been really good, I think, about avoiding arguments with Daughter. But she pushed too far. And I realise her response about me sharing her bathroom was a defensive move. We're better now. I think. That's the problem in this household. So much simmers just below the surface.
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