Tuesday, 15 April 2008

While the Old Folks Snooze

I spoke to one of my stepfather's daughters, and she's on board about getting some extra help and support in. But it looks like I'll be the one finding the extra help and support. We went out to eat with her on Sunday, and I could see the pain in her eyes. She hates seeing her dad like this, and I don't blame her. He used to be such an active man, hunting, fishing, snow mobiling. Always busy. Loads of friends. Not any more.

To take my mind off this depressing scenario, I've been thinking about my first love. He lives in this small town, though I haven't seen him in 10 years or more. We had a summer of love more than 30 years ago. I remember his smell and his taste. His weather-beaten skin. His piercing blue eyes. He was so gentle with me.

He is a high school teacher and farmer now, like his dad, and has three kids. He's been married a long time, though I heard the marriage was in trouble.

I've been thinking what if. But what if would never have happened. The mothers wouldn't have been too happy. And this town could never contain my hopes and dreams. I could never have been the wife he has ended up with.

I usually only give him a fleeting thought when I'm here. Too busy with my family. But I have a bit of time while the old folks snooze to think. I won't seek him out. He is in his 50s now. I want to remember him as the tanned and muscled youth who turned my head. As each pickup truck passes me on my daily run, though, I wonder if he is inside. What does he think of me, if anything? Was the love affair as significant for him as it was for me? Even if it wasn't, I will always think of him fondly. He made my first sexual experience something to remember as pleasant and meaningful. I regret being so young, but not having it with him.

Back to reality. There are episodes of Mash to watch at full volume. Loads of laundry to wash. Dishes to be put away. Dog to be fed. Parents to be reassured. They would like me here permanently, but I can't be. I have a life and a family far away. Tomorrow is the colonoscopy. My mother is already worrying. What if she has a heart attack? What if she has to stay the night in the hospital? What if, what if. At least I will be with her.


menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Coffee - I just read your previous post and this one. My God how heartbreaking your situation is. I hope you get the help you need from the family as well as whatever social care there is out there. This is no doubt going to be a very tough time for you and you could really do with some support. I don't envy your situation one little bit as you try to come to terms with all of this. Good for you going to see the step sister - best to marshall people along whe you need help. Sometimes people will turn a blind eye if they think that someone else will take the load. I have that in my situation right now with an ageing mother in law. Don't be shy in telling people what you can and can't do and how you need their help. Straight talking otherwise they may assume too much of you! Chin up and keep posting when they are snoozing!

Flowerpot said...

I do feel for you wakeup but good for you and I'm glad you have a bit of support. All the best and chin up.

ChrisB said...

It's good that help has been agreed and I don't wish to sound critical, but surely it shouldn't just be down to you to organise!

BTW the colour of my Aubretia was achieved with just a change to the lighting in photoshop elements.

Kaycie said...

You are strong and making such a difference while you are there with your parents. They are lucky to have you.

Enjoy your bits of memory and "what if" fantasy. It's good for your soul.

The Rotten Correspondent said...

I've just caught up. You are really in a terrible spot.

Try and remember that you are one person and don't let everyone railroad you into doing everything and feeling responsible for it all.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

First loves. Never the same is it.

Crystal xx

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Hi MOB: You'll have to read the latest on the stepsister. I am really mad!

flowerpot: Thank you.

chrisb: You are right. It shouldn't be down to me, but no one else seems to want to do anything. You are so clever with your photo workshop.

kaycie: I wish I could stay longer, but they're already becoming very dependent on me.

RC: Thank you and back atcha, hon.

CJ: No. They deserve a special place in our hearts.

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