Back off, Boys

Tonight my daughter is at a disco. With boys. Tomorrow night she goes to a party. With boys. Am I worried? Just a wee bit. She's quite attractive (in my opinion), nearly my height. Fortunately, she towers over the other 12-year-old boys, a frustration for her. I know how she feels. I was the height I am now when I was her age. I had a huge crush on Andy Livingston. He was several inches shorter and only went for the cute, short girls. His loss, I say now. Back then, it was a tragedy.

I worry about her and boys because boys were a huge disappointment for me. Then when they became men, they were even worse. I didn't get my head straight about men until I was 31. I slept around a lot. Well, they were always there. And I drank a lot in those days, so my inhibitions were down. And I got myself involved with guys with substance abuse problems, mostly alcohol. My boyfriend in college was an alcoholic. My first husband was an alcoholic (though he got himself off the booze). Finally, I asked myself what it was about these alcoholics that was so appealing because they sure as shit didn't treat me right. The answer was absolutely fucking nothing.

Why the reminiscing? Well, not that I've been tagged, but I've read other people's blogs about the music they listened to when they were 18, and it brought back memories of when I was 18 and involved with College Boyfriend. We were on, we were off when he went back to his law-school girlfriend, we were on again when he realised just how gorgeous I really was, we were off when I cheated on him, we were on again, we were off again when he cheated on me, we were on, then off, then finished when I turned 21 and got my first job and lots of male attention.

Oh, my checkered past. I really don't want my daughter to have one. But I have to let her discover what she likes and doesn't like. I hope that by marrying a man who respects me and her, I will have ensured she has enough self esteem to get her through the next difficult years. I hope she stays well away from alcohol (and will tell her that) and drugs (because I did a lot of them too, though I have fond memories of them). I hope her sexual relationships are few and loving. I am ashamed to admit this but I can't even remember how many guys I had sex with. I was talking about this with my friend at my reunion. Most of us were having sex by the time we graduated. Ideally, I'd like my daughter to wait till she's at least 18 to have sex, though hormones might make her behave differently. My friend feels the same about her daughter (the other daughter is already married). We don't want our kids to drink to excess as teen-agers (something we did all the time) or to try drugs (we also were getting high all the time). I'm surprised we're still alive.

So I'm ruling out a lot of fun for them. But only because I know better. And I do KNOW better.

Sex education continued

The internet dispute continues. My daughter thinks I overreacted. She said what they were watching was a guy strip down to his boxer shorts and then put his clothes on again. And I remembered that YouTube has a block for under-18s. Still, that's just YouTube. And although my daughter has yet to grass on my son, she has hinted that what he was looking at was far worse.

We talked about it at dinner last night. My husband sided with me (he'd better!), my son, obviously believing that keeping his head down was the best strategy, wouldn't voice an opinion. My daughter loudly bewailed her loss of freedom.

But what they look at on the internet isn't the only issue here. The mothers of these children are my best friends. I told them of course. One was very concerned. I played it down for the other because she'd been clearing out her dead mother's wardrobe all day and I didn't want to add more stress. Also, my kids were staying over at her house that night. I don't want them to get the reputation of being bad kids.

I tried explaining to my daughter that there are many things on the internet that are unsuitable for her to look at, unsuitable for me even. That just piqued her interest. I told her I would never have suspected a thing if she and her friends hadn't been giggling so much. So next time they'll be more discreet.

Perhaps I will get some tame books about sex and leave them around. Or better yet, hide them badly so they'll feel like they're doing something sneaky. They learn sex ed in school but I suppose there can be gaps.

I want to trust them. I want them to feel they can have privacy and freedom. I reminded my daughter that I don't read her e-mail or text messages. I told her that I could have done nothing but then I wouldn't be doing my job as a mother. All the time, I know I'm a hypocrit. I had no boundaries when I was a teen because my parents were too self-absorbed to set them. I had no curfew from the age of 16 so came home at 4 or 5 in the morning. My dad claims this isn't true but that's because it doesn't fit in with his newly found born-again Christian beliefs. I did things and went places I had no business doing or going to. I don't want the same for my children.

Sex education

Well, my son recovered enough from the Liverpool defeat to go to school the next day. He said he had to because it was a very important lesson. Knowing that his school does not do much for Year Six after the Sats, I asked him what the important lesson was about. Sex education was his reply. Hmmm.

When I picked him up from school, I asked how the sex education lesson was.

"Well, we learned about stiffies."

"That's right. Boys get them when they hit puberty."

"And I asked her a trick question."

"What was that then?"

"I asked if men's chest hair comes in patterns and she said she didn't know. But they do, like some are in the shape of a cross."

"If you know, why did you ask her?"

"I just wanted to test her knowledge."

What I didn't know was that he planned to continue his sex education at home with his bezzie mate. On the computer. Watching YouTube.

I heard hoots and hollers coming from the room we keep the computer in. Ah, I thought to meself, they're having a really good time on that computer game. Then my daughter came home with two friends, and I busied myself making an impromptu dinner for five children. Spaghetti with crab and onions and tomatoes. Delicious. Or so I thought.

During the meal there was lots of giggling going on. I caught one girl redhanded scraping my lovely meal onto someone else's plate. Then when I was cleaning up, I found a load of paper towels. Now we are a recycling household and paper towels don't just get chucked in the bin for no reason. I looked under the paper towels and found the spaghetti. I was starting to get pissed off, and an alarm bell went off in my head.

"Go see what the girls are doing on the computer," I told my husband.

Clump, clump, clump down the hallway he went.

"Nothing," he said. "They're playing a game."

Hmmmmmmmm.

I went down the hallway myself, softly and quietly, and peered through the crack in the doorway. They were watching a man take his clothes off. The boys had apparently watched the same thing or worse. I chucked all the children out but my two. They got sent to their rooms. Incredibly, I had never put on parental or access controls. They have it now. They'll be lucky to access the Telly Tubby website.

I blame myself. I was naive about them. I mean I was 12 once. I remember fishing "Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex (but were afraid to ask)" out of my dad's underwear drawer. I don't have that book because I learned all the answers when I was 12. But the internet is a big, uncontrollable resource. There are so many porn blogs out there (which I was going to write about one day). I should have known better but now I do. I don't like to be a hypocritical parent but I have to be. I hate to spoil their fun but my house isn't going to be the one they all visit to look at this stuff. Maybe I should get a copy of "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex."