We had our day in court. And we reached a settlement. I was not leaving till we had an agreement. On gray, rainy day in a non-descript 60s courthouse, we came to the agreement that I get 55% of the assets and 40% of his pension. It's not an overly generous settlement. I could have fought for more money. And I would still be here next year. FEX is buying me out. He has a mortgage in place and is ready to transfer the money any day now. I came down £30,000 and 5% of the pension share. But it's only money and it's worth my freedom.
That night FEX and I sat and watched TV in the same room and had a reasonably civil conversation. FEX said if I wanted he would look after my money. Then today I did some weeding in the garden that soon will no longer be mine. FEX came out and demolished a poor, innocent forsythia. At first I thought he was showing me and the garden who's the boss. Then as I saw him hacking away I realised he was working out his anger, despair, or whatever emotion he might be feeling. Tonight, the phone rang and I answered it. Someone sounding suspiciously like Lurch said, "FEX please." It was one of FEX's two friends, the one who's been through a bitter divorce, the one whose ex-wife had him thrown in jail, the one who's been advising FEX to be so aggressive. I could hear FEX re-enacting our day in court, only making himself and his lawyer out to be the heroes. And of course that's not what happened at all. What happened was two barristers doing a lot of math and going back and forth with offers and counter offers. We were there from 9 a.m. till 2:30. It was a long, exhausting day.
I had hoped the settlement would put an end to this bitching about me on the phone. But obviously it hasn't. So, FEX, no you may not manage my money. I don't want your filthy hands on it.
I went to a party last night and spoke to a friend I hadn't seen for a while. He and his wife, both lovely people, are separated (again) and divorcing. I can't take sides because I can see both sides so clearly. And I know firsthand the hurt they each are feeling. I advised my friend to try not to demonise his wife, that it will accomplish nothing. I suggested he find a counsellor to talk to about any negative feelings he might have. This couple separated last year when the wife moved in with another man. The guilt was too much, and she came back to try to make a go of it. But she couldn't do it. And I know how she feels. She is the sort of person who is always taking care of other people's needs. Her husband had a near-fatal brain tumour many years ago. It left him unable to work so she had to go back to work. And still manage the home because it also meant her husband has no short-term memory. I can understand her position. And I can understand his too. But so far neither one has gone around trashing the other. No nasty emails. No trying to get friends on their side. Unlike FEX.
People can be civilised and go through divorce. I've tried. I'm still trying.
So what about the kids? I think they're in a bit of shock. I think they didn't believe this would actually happen, that their father is basically kicking me out. Not that I'm fighting it. Not that I want to stay. I can't believe FEX wants to stay here. It will be so empty when I've gone. I wonder if he's thought about that.
Oh well. That's his problem. I have so many things to think about and do. I'd better get busy and start doing them.
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Saturday, 24 July 2010
So Close and Yet...
Well, my new job is getting under way. I'm just shadowing at the moment, but I am seeing close up how varied the autism spectrum is. I have seen people at either ends of the spectrum. from extremely unable to very able yet still in need of support. It fascinates me. I have so much respect for the people who do this work. On the face of it it doesn't seem demanding, but it can be extremely challenging. And you never know how your day is going to go. I'm very tired. It's not demanding -- at least not now, but there is so much to take in.
And FEX has made a financial settlement offer. On the face of it it looks ok. But I worry because he has made me close out two accounts in my name and he says he's deposited the money in our joint savings account (making sure he can get his hands on it). But I can't see where the money from one account has gone. I am so close. Next Friday is the court hearing date for the financial dispute resolution. I've told my solicitor that come hell or high water I'm walking out of there with a settlement. She said she sincerely hopes I do. And perhaps FEX will buy out my share of the house. I can only hope.
My new job is not very well paid. I could try to get a permanent post, which pays better, but the hours are crap. So I am trying to find another part-time job, I'm cleaning a couple of houses a week (which pays far better than looking after autistic adults), and I'd like to do a few shifts a week in the support worker job. And I still need to get my massage therapist certification, and then could charge £20/hour for massages. I had a job interview on Tuesday. Of course I didn't get the job. But I made it to the final three. So close and yet...
And FEX has made a financial settlement offer. On the face of it it looks ok. But I worry because he has made me close out two accounts in my name and he says he's deposited the money in our joint savings account (making sure he can get his hands on it). But I can't see where the money from one account has gone. I am so close. Next Friday is the court hearing date for the financial dispute resolution. I've told my solicitor that come hell or high water I'm walking out of there with a settlement. She said she sincerely hopes I do. And perhaps FEX will buy out my share of the house. I can only hope.
My new job is not very well paid. I could try to get a permanent post, which pays better, but the hours are crap. So I am trying to find another part-time job, I'm cleaning a couple of houses a week (which pays far better than looking after autistic adults), and I'd like to do a few shifts a week in the support worker job. And I still need to get my massage therapist certification, and then could charge £20/hour for massages. I had a job interview on Tuesday. Of course I didn't get the job. But I made it to the final three. So close and yet...
Friday, 16 July 2010
So Here's What I've Been Doing
Does anybody who isn't Chinese read my blog anymore? Not that I have anything against the Chinese people but some comments in English are welcome as well.
Anyway, I have no room to complain as I have been an errant blogger. But much has been happening in my world. I started working. Yes, Wakeup has a job, actually two jobs and possibly a third on the way. I am a peripatetic support worker for people with autism. This is completely different to anything I've ever done, and yet it's not. I have been a carer for the past 18 years for FEX and my children. Now I get paid for it, and I get to work with autistic people. Yes, so far I enjoy it. Autism is an extremely complex disability. No two autistic people are alike, I've discovered. One may have highly developed verbal skills but has no concept of time and won't feed him or herself. Another may have no language skills and no toilet skills. All autistic people have a high level of anxiety. My heart goes out to them. Imagine trying to cope with daily living when you, through no fault of your own, have no coping skills and never will. Imagine being the parents of such a child. Imagine the hopes and dreams you had for your child and realising they will never happen. You can never relax because you never know what's going to happen, or you do know what's going to happen.
An interesting job, but not a highly paid one. That's why I'm also cleaning houses, which is far better paid. And I have an interview for a third job next week. Put them all together, though, and they add up to a decent wage. Not much free time, but who needs that? I am having a hard time adjusting to not being here for the family that don't want me here anyway. Well, I think my son does. And my daughter does on occasion. Who knows what FEX wants. Who cares?
The pension actuary's report came out today. I need to look at it in more detail but I'm leaning toward not going for a share of FEX's pension but a payout. That way I can invest it how I want, not how FEX wants. He has been a good money manager, but if I'm to have my independence, I must pull away completely. Also, who knows what could happen in the next 15 years. I could die. I could remarry. He could die. Life is full of uncertainty. FEX has been on the phone a lot with the kitchen door shut. I don't care who he's calling, but my dad has been trying to call me for several days because my stepmother has been in the hospital. And all he gets is a busy signal. I imagine FEX is on the phone with Julie16 and perhaps his two friends, five acquaintances, sister, and mother to update them on how wonderful he is and how horrible I am. My dad said he won't ever emerge from this negative state unless something really catastrophic happens to him. I don't wish that on him, but I do pray he one day stops this negativity and moves on. He's in danger, otherwise, of allowing our divorce to determine his reaction to everything and everyone in his life. And that's not a healthy way to be.
But I have no control over that. And meanwhile, I have so much to learn about autism.
Anyway, I have no room to complain as I have been an errant blogger. But much has been happening in my world. I started working. Yes, Wakeup has a job, actually two jobs and possibly a third on the way. I am a peripatetic support worker for people with autism. This is completely different to anything I've ever done, and yet it's not. I have been a carer for the past 18 years for FEX and my children. Now I get paid for it, and I get to work with autistic people. Yes, so far I enjoy it. Autism is an extremely complex disability. No two autistic people are alike, I've discovered. One may have highly developed verbal skills but has no concept of time and won't feed him or herself. Another may have no language skills and no toilet skills. All autistic people have a high level of anxiety. My heart goes out to them. Imagine trying to cope with daily living when you, through no fault of your own, have no coping skills and never will. Imagine being the parents of such a child. Imagine the hopes and dreams you had for your child and realising they will never happen. You can never relax because you never know what's going to happen, or you do know what's going to happen.
An interesting job, but not a highly paid one. That's why I'm also cleaning houses, which is far better paid. And I have an interview for a third job next week. Put them all together, though, and they add up to a decent wage. Not much free time, but who needs that? I am having a hard time adjusting to not being here for the family that don't want me here anyway. Well, I think my son does. And my daughter does on occasion. Who knows what FEX wants. Who cares?
The pension actuary's report came out today. I need to look at it in more detail but I'm leaning toward not going for a share of FEX's pension but a payout. That way I can invest it how I want, not how FEX wants. He has been a good money manager, but if I'm to have my independence, I must pull away completely. Also, who knows what could happen in the next 15 years. I could die. I could remarry. He could die. Life is full of uncertainty. FEX has been on the phone a lot with the kitchen door shut. I don't care who he's calling, but my dad has been trying to call me for several days because my stepmother has been in the hospital. And all he gets is a busy signal. I imagine FEX is on the phone with Julie16 and perhaps his two friends, five acquaintances, sister, and mother to update them on how wonderful he is and how horrible I am. My dad said he won't ever emerge from this negative state unless something really catastrophic happens to him. I don't wish that on him, but I do pray he one day stops this negativity and moves on. He's in danger, otherwise, of allowing our divorce to determine his reaction to everything and everyone in his life. And that's not a healthy way to be.
But I have no control over that. And meanwhile, I have so much to learn about autism.
Sunday, 4 July 2010
The Nightmare Continues
Just when I thought Daughter and I had gotten through the worst of times, we take 100 giant steps backward. On Friday Daughter had a party. I went to a friend's house. She texted to say the bathroom door had been broken. When I got home, she showed me the damage. It was only the lock. OK, I shrugged. That can be fixed. Then she asked if a boy could stay over because he had no way home. OK, I said. Then it turned into three boys. Then I went in my room and discovered someone had been in there and gone through my drawers and papers. Then I went in the bathroom and discovered someone had thrown away my contact lens case.
Then I lost my cool and Daughter and I said a few choice words to each other. She said it was my fault for using "her" bathroom and moving into the bedroom across from her bathroom. She said it was embarrassing because all her friends knew. I said if I could move out, I would. I decided to take back the shoes I'd bought her the day before. She went outside with her friends to cool down. The next morning they all left early. She sent a text to her dad saying she didn't want to be in the same house as me anymore, which he showed me. Oh, FEX was quite upset too for they'd gone into his study. Beer bottles were everywhere. There was more damage than just the broken lock. FEX and I decided to take away her laptop and phone.
Daughter did text to apologise, but I must admit I was devastated by the text she sent her dad. Like he needs any more evidence to add to his claim that she hates my fucking guts. I went to a friend's 25th anniversary party last night. Daughter showed up with her new boyfriend, whom she introduced to me. We danced together but later I saw her laughing at my dancing. I saw her hugging her friends' mothers, and it just tore me up. She stayed away all day yesterday and didn't come home till this afternoon.
I know this girl is hurting inside. I know part of her desperately wants a relationship with me, and part of her is very angry. I know she craves a normal family life and so hangs out with her friends who have one. But I can take the blame for only so long. Those friends of hers on Friday were way out of order but apparently I'm not allowed to be angry about it. And of course FEX was so reasonable about it with her. So once again I'm the screaming shrew and he's the reasonable dad. Did I mention that he was at home while all this mayhem was happening?
I told her that's all he needs to prove that she hates me, that he'll be on the phone telling people just that. She said nothing in response.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
Then I lost my cool and Daughter and I said a few choice words to each other. She said it was my fault for using "her" bathroom and moving into the bedroom across from her bathroom. She said it was embarrassing because all her friends knew. I said if I could move out, I would. I decided to take back the shoes I'd bought her the day before. She went outside with her friends to cool down. The next morning they all left early. She sent a text to her dad saying she didn't want to be in the same house as me anymore, which he showed me. Oh, FEX was quite upset too for they'd gone into his study. Beer bottles were everywhere. There was more damage than just the broken lock. FEX and I decided to take away her laptop and phone.
Daughter did text to apologise, but I must admit I was devastated by the text she sent her dad. Like he needs any more evidence to add to his claim that she hates my fucking guts. I went to a friend's 25th anniversary party last night. Daughter showed up with her new boyfriend, whom she introduced to me. We danced together but later I saw her laughing at my dancing. I saw her hugging her friends' mothers, and it just tore me up. She stayed away all day yesterday and didn't come home till this afternoon.
I know this girl is hurting inside. I know part of her desperately wants a relationship with me, and part of her is very angry. I know she craves a normal family life and so hangs out with her friends who have one. But I can take the blame for only so long. Those friends of hers on Friday were way out of order but apparently I'm not allowed to be angry about it. And of course FEX was so reasonable about it with her. So once again I'm the screaming shrew and he's the reasonable dad. Did I mention that he was at home while all this mayhem was happening?
I told her that's all he needs to prove that she hates me, that he'll be on the phone telling people just that. She said nothing in response.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Falling Into a Depression
I feel so depressed. Why today more than any other day? Yesterday, I spent 5 hours cleaning the house to show to last-minute viewers. They came, they saw, they complimented. Today, they said the house is not for them. Oh despair! Will no one rescue me from this purgatory?
That's not the only reason. There are others. I got the terms and conditions of employment for my new job. Fantastic? I'm not sure. It's a locum position, meaning I fill in as and when needed. It's also not brilliantly paid. I got another rejection letter for another job I applied for. I just can't get motivated to get out there and work hard at looking for work.
FEX continues to be himself and I worry about the settlement if and when it happens.
And I have communication problems with other friends, to the point that one or some may be getting the boot. And maybe that's what they want but they aren't brave enough to come out and say it.
I realise I'm not the easiest person to be around right now. My natural insecurity and paranoia are having a bumper year, having been fed generously by FEX. And I'm so worried about money. I started writing down what I spend each day to try to get a handle on my outgoings so I can make up a personal survival budget in preparation for the day when I don't have much money. That is a day I'm actually looking forward to, but I want to be prepared for it.
And I'm scared of being alone. I haven't had sex in nearly a year. That is an all-time record for me. I've never gone that long since I became sexually active at the very young age of 15. I'm not even sure I know how anymore. I miss cuddling. But FEX was never good at that anyway. My kids were but they won't touch me now. I guess I'll be one of those women who sleeps with her cats. Wait! I AM one of those women. I can't really begin to have a single woman's social life because I'm not a single woman yet. And it would be awkward being in the same house as FEX. And I wonder what I'll call myself after the divorce. Will I be Mrs. still or Ms.? Does anyone know?
And I'm bone tired. Too many late nights and early mornings.
That's not the only reason. There are others. I got the terms and conditions of employment for my new job. Fantastic? I'm not sure. It's a locum position, meaning I fill in as and when needed. It's also not brilliantly paid. I got another rejection letter for another job I applied for. I just can't get motivated to get out there and work hard at looking for work.
FEX continues to be himself and I worry about the settlement if and when it happens.
And I have communication problems with other friends, to the point that one or some may be getting the boot. And maybe that's what they want but they aren't brave enough to come out and say it.
I realise I'm not the easiest person to be around right now. My natural insecurity and paranoia are having a bumper year, having been fed generously by FEX. And I'm so worried about money. I started writing down what I spend each day to try to get a handle on my outgoings so I can make up a personal survival budget in preparation for the day when I don't have much money. That is a day I'm actually looking forward to, but I want to be prepared for it.
And I'm scared of being alone. I haven't had sex in nearly a year. That is an all-time record for me. I've never gone that long since I became sexually active at the very young age of 15. I'm not even sure I know how anymore. I miss cuddling. But FEX was never good at that anyway. My kids were but they won't touch me now. I guess I'll be one of those women who sleeps with her cats. Wait! I AM one of those women. I can't really begin to have a single woman's social life because I'm not a single woman yet. And it would be awkward being in the same house as FEX. And I wonder what I'll call myself after the divorce. Will I be Mrs. still or Ms.? Does anyone know?
And I'm bone tired. Too many late nights and early mornings.
Saturday, 26 June 2010
Oooh, I'm So Tired
Sometimes, and this is one of them, I am so tired I can't see straight. I went to sleep last night around 1, woke up at 4:30 when I heard one of the cats meowing to be let in, went downstairs thinking it was about 7, and discovered Son and his friends up playing on the Playstation. I thought they'd gone to bed and got up early. Silly me.
FEX and I have been getting along of late. And then he was on his phone tonight with door shut. That usually means he's on the phone trashing me. I didn't hear anything specific but I also didn't try that hard to hear. Just as I made a conscious decision to stop going through FEX's rubbish and other stuff, so I've decided not to try to hear anything he says anymore. It's counterproductive and ego-destroying. And I need all the ego I can get. I'm still looking for other jobs so I need to keep my confidence up.
One of those jobs is with the BBC. They're moving some of their operations up north and I thought I might as well send a CV. Well, I must have put some of the right keywords on because I got an email saying they liked my CV and would I now take an assessment exam? This consisted of watching a bunch of videos about office-related dilemmas and what I thought would be the most effective and lease effective solutions. Then there was a reading comprehension part. Then the psychological profile, which I worry that I messed up on. So I'll probably never hear from them again,but it was an interesting exercise. I felt pretty tired after it.
Yes, I have the other job, but it's only filling in for people who are ill or on holiday. I need something a bit more steady than that. I'm going to have to stop. I'm so tired I can't even see the keyboard.
FEX and I have been getting along of late. And then he was on his phone tonight with door shut. That usually means he's on the phone trashing me. I didn't hear anything specific but I also didn't try that hard to hear. Just as I made a conscious decision to stop going through FEX's rubbish and other stuff, so I've decided not to try to hear anything he says anymore. It's counterproductive and ego-destroying. And I need all the ego I can get. I'm still looking for other jobs so I need to keep my confidence up.
One of those jobs is with the BBC. They're moving some of their operations up north and I thought I might as well send a CV. Well, I must have put some of the right keywords on because I got an email saying they liked my CV and would I now take an assessment exam? This consisted of watching a bunch of videos about office-related dilemmas and what I thought would be the most effective and lease effective solutions. Then there was a reading comprehension part. Then the psychological profile, which I worry that I messed up on. So I'll probably never hear from them again,but it was an interesting exercise. I felt pretty tired after it.
Yes, I have the other job, but it's only filling in for people who are ill or on holiday. I need something a bit more steady than that. I'm going to have to stop. I'm so tired I can't even see the keyboard.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
A Dog and a Vibrator
What more does a woman need in life? Oh, a job. Got that. Just need the dog and vibrator.
Oh yes. Wakeup is very nearly an employed woman. I've worked very hard at looking for a job. And the one I got is low-paying with irregular hours. I will be working as a support worker for autistic adults on an ad hoc basis. I think it's disgraceful that gardeners and cleaners get paid more than I will be. But I might be starting a cleaning/gardening business with a friend as well anyway. And it's a start. That's what I keep telling myself. I think it could be a very fulfilling job.
I've gone off in a million different directions since last year, but it might be that things are starting to all come together. And if you believe that there is some greater plan, as I do, then the pieces of the puzzle might be coming together.
I am finishing up my ECDL course. I need to do more work on my Adobe Dreamweaver course. I am finishing up my Swedish massage coursework and need to book a time for my assessment and tests (the real reason I've put it off). With my pending job, I feel I need to tie up the loose ends. And that CV (resume) is just getting more and more fleshed out.
And did I mention that my college boyfriend and I are in touch? I don't wish to reignite our relationship, but it's nice that we can be friends after all these years. And of course, there's the dog and vibrator to look forward to...
Oh yes. Wakeup is very nearly an employed woman. I've worked very hard at looking for a job. And the one I got is low-paying with irregular hours. I will be working as a support worker for autistic adults on an ad hoc basis. I think it's disgraceful that gardeners and cleaners get paid more than I will be. But I might be starting a cleaning/gardening business with a friend as well anyway. And it's a start. That's what I keep telling myself. I think it could be a very fulfilling job.
I've gone off in a million different directions since last year, but it might be that things are starting to all come together. And if you believe that there is some greater plan, as I do, then the pieces of the puzzle might be coming together.
I am finishing up my ECDL course. I need to do more work on my Adobe Dreamweaver course. I am finishing up my Swedish massage coursework and need to book a time for my assessment and tests (the real reason I've put it off). With my pending job, I feel I need to tie up the loose ends. And that CV (resume) is just getting more and more fleshed out.
And did I mention that my college boyfriend and I are in touch? I don't wish to reignite our relationship, but it's nice that we can be friends after all these years. And of course, there's the dog and vibrator to look forward to...
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